Autumn 2003 "Fear: Facing It and Embracing It"

ur newsletter will promote principles of personal success for women. These ideas will illustrate success in the working world, in interpersonal relationships, and in developing self esteem and confidence. Each member will bring special knowledge about attaining personal goals and adding a sense of discovery and excitement to women's lives.

	"It is generally fear that is at the core of women who remain in (abusive) relationships. They have fears of all kinds: fear they have no worth, no value; or, like the young girl who was killed, fear of being alone, of not being able to make it on their own. The fear actually starts a chemical process in the body..."
	"If you own a business, or run a non-profit, you should always be prepared to tell every person you meet what your organization does, and how it differentiates itself from its competitors. And you should train your employees to do that, as well. If you don’t do it, no one else will."
	"...I am a high-stress, Type 'A,' over-committed achiever, who, from the outside, appears accomplished, but on the inside I don’t feel 'good enough'—yet. Sure, I look great on paper, but the inner sense of success, of having 'arrived,' still eludes me. I’m sure it’s still around the corner. So, I keep moving forward..."
	"Taking calculated risks is part of life. We do it every day when we drive a car or cross a street, when we reach out to meet someone new or try something we’ve never done before. How sad it would be to miss out on all the marvelous opportunities that open us to new worlds and new adventures..."
	"...a 40% success rate in striking up conversations with prospects is superstar selling! But this requires that you face your fear and move toward it, rather than hiding out from it. Remember that going home every day saying, 'I’m dead tired!' isn’t the same as working on the things that can really make a difference for your business."

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Janet L. Hall is a Certified Kinesionics Practitioner/Herbalist/Nutritionist and owner of Alternative Wellness Center in Albuquerque. She is a member of the Association of Specialized Kinesiologists of the U.S., and also a member of the American Herbalists Guild. The People Living Through Cancer organization recently awarded Janet a plaque for her caring, dedicated and professional treatment of those she works with who are dealing with cancer. Janet is also the consulting Kinesiologist and Nutritionist for A New Hope, a foundation for eating disorders. Janet can be reached at (505) 294-WELL, or docchall@netscape.net.

very time I hear the word “fear,” I immediately think of the book, “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers. That book is such an awesome one! I have never forgotten the words I read within it, “No matter what happens, I can handle it.” Well, that belief I adopted after reading the book has been sorely tested in my lifetime.

     After my husband’s death years ago, my famous saying when something not so good happened was, “Okay, nobody died, I can handle this.” I’d often think: what if someone in my life does die again? What will my statement be then? Then, with fear gripping my heart, I would pray to be strong enough so that if death should touch my family again I would still handle it, somehow. I did not expect the “death” (as I felt it was a death, in every sense of the word) of my next six-year love relationship to be so very painful for me. But it was.

     I have written about abusive relationships in the past, because I was in one. After experiencing abuse and its devastation firsthand, I sought help. I went through a long series of classes on domestic violence, and after begging my partner to get help for his anger, mistrust, jealousy and abuse - along with a series of breakups and getting back together - I chose to leave the relationship.

     However, I never let go - nor did he - and it became a very different sort of friendship with the knowledge that the love had not died - and I continued to hope that somehow, by some miracle, this relationship could be healed, that we could still be the family we had always dreamed of. Well, after many promises and endless stops and starts (mostly stops) in therapy, it was apparent that only I had the desire to correct the abuse – he did not.

     After some time, knowing how unhealthy this “limbo” was for the both of us, I opted for a complete separation from him, but somewhere deep inside, even as I was saying the appropriate words, I was just sure that he would somehow snap to his senses and finally get the therapy for himself. He didn’t. He simply went from that relationship with me to one with another woman (who would be unaware of the abuse until later on, of course) the very next day. Six years down the tubes without a thought. For him, that is…

     For me, it was endless thinking and questioning: How could someone not want to stop injuring those he loved? Why would he choose to end up in the same predicament again in the future, just as he did with me after his first and second ex-wives?

     But that is the cycle of abuse. It is a stronger dysfunction than just about anything! It is so powerful and severe an addiction that it uses people rather than a drug of any kind. The two people involved are drawn to each other like a magnet, and the pull is enormous: enough for the highs and lows, the love and the fights, the honeymoon period and the separation. It is a relationship full of denial and one that those involved will fight to protect even to the death.

     The “random payoff,” as it is termed in gambling addictions, is one of the highest pulls in addictive, abusive relationships. Never knowing when his anger will turn to gentle sweetness, when his mood will flip over from calm to explosion, when you will receive love versus criticism, is a big part of this random payoff in abusive relationships. It is like waiting for the next “fix” of receiving his love and acceptance, just like a junkie. The random payoff, it seems, is worth the wait.

     Not even a week after I separated from my partner, his niece (his brother’s daughter) was murdered by her ex-husband. It was all over the newspapers. There had been endless calls to the police for domestic violence incidents, hospital stays for the physical injuries, separations and getting back together. She had finally divorced him, yet that magnetic pull began again when he telephoned her, and her fears of being alone and not making it on her own - coupled with that familiar random payoff addiction - made her agree to see him, one more time.

     She paid for his airline ticket so that he could come to visit her. When he arrived at her home, they tried to talk and a fight ensued, as usual. He cut her breasts and stabbed her with a large kitchen knife. The pattern of bloodstains on the front door showed that she frantically tried to get away, but could not. She evidently fought back with all the force she could muster and stabbed him in the side to try to save her life.

     As her 2 year-old and 5 year-old watched in horror, he got a gun and shot her and then himself. The children were alone in the house with the two dead bodies for hours before a friend called and the 5 year-old explained that he was “wiping blood off his mommy’s face, kissing her and could not understand why she had her eyes open, but wouldn’t talk to him.” This terrible tragedy will scar these children for life.

     In interviews, family members of both the 25 year-old woman and the ex-husband said that never could they have expected such a horrible event to occur. The couple loved each other immensely, but just couldn’t seem to get along. Everyone, including the young woman’s parents, had truly liked the husband and said he was a nice person. They had been married for several years before their divorce.

     As this event unfolded, I thought about the relationship I had just ended. My former sweetheart’s brother was mentally, emotionally and (when his daughter was young) physically abusive. In that household abuse was normalized, and that is what type of man she was drawn to, to marry. Now, she was dead. With abuse this strong in this particular family, I thanked God that I had made the decision I did, no matter how excruciating the pain was. And feel it, I did.

     It is so severely painful to get past this type of addiction and abuse that most women choose not to. Less than 3% of men with this problem choose to change their behaviors. Women go back to them again and again, and if they finally break away from one abusive man, and have no therapy, they simply move on to another abusive person, unable to see it in him until they are deep into the relationship once again.

     How does this story relate to fear? It is generally fear that is at the core of women who remain in these relationships. They have fears of all kinds: fear they have no worth, no value; or, like the young girl who was killed, fear of being alone, of not being able to make it on their own. The fear actually starts a chemical process in the body that "erases" the memory of prior abuses, so that they can remain in the relationship.

     The men, such as the one in my last relationship, fear that it is impossible to change their behaviors. I can remember how many times he expressed his fear that nothing would change him, he would always be that way. He was raised with an atrocious amount of abuse, beaten on a daily basis until he bled, according to his brothers and sisters. He did not know how to live without abusing himself and inflicting pain on others.

     And, even counting myself fortunate to be out of an abusive relationship, what was my fear? My first inclination was to live in fear again because of my loss. You would think that having gone through this once before after my husband died, it would be easier to avoid, but I had not worked through all my fears around not being in a relationship. I had been alone for six years after my husband died before the next relationship began, but I was not happy about it: I was not looking forward to being alone again.

     And what happened? My heart was broken, just as before. I was alone, just as before. I had no financial help for the future, just as before. I felt no love and acceptance, just as before. But, again, I finally decided that the pain and fear were not going to overtake me and that I would just have to “handle it.” I would have to face it and embrace it. Did the voices of fear in my head go away because of that decision? Oh no, quite to the contrary: with a little bit of time and being alone, they increased.

     But I realized that having been raised in an abusive environment all my life, the fears were coming from the small child within me who didn’t know how to live in a world without the abuse, and who had many other fears to contend with. I recognized that I was experiencing a whole array of emotions - grief, pain, abandonment – and feeling unloved and fearful.

     When I realized what the thought behind the fear was: that this was my second chance at love, and there would never be another love relationship in my life, I then recognized the voice of the little girl of my past. The connection was being terrified at losing my abusive father’s love and acceptance. What was scaring and hurting me all over again was the loss of my partner’s love. At that point then, I let my adult reasoning take over and let the “little girl” know it was not true, but only an old recording. I did not want the fears of the little girl I used to be to rule my adult life any longer.

     We can consciously change the fears of those voices of the past, as I had to. We must recognize that it is just an old tape playing from the past. It is the fears of a very small child.

     The majority of psychologists agree that we are born with only two fears: fear of falling and fear of loud noises. They believe that all other fears are learned. I disagree somewhat. With molecules of emotion (including fear) from our parents and ancestors circulating in our blood and energy fields, much of our fears are inherited. We can feel the fear without even being aware of why we are fearful.

     Do I believe fears are also learned? Of course I do. The child of a parent terrified of water will make a subconscious decision for himself or herself about water after watching the parent: that water is to be feared or not feared. All of the decisions we make as a small child are retained in the mind for future use. That means that many of our fears may still be based on what the small child thought and reasoned. We could be “locked in” to fears that as an adult make no sense to us, yet it is what we feel. Breaking out of those old decisions are what enable us to progress in life.

     You can do it! You can handle whatever comes your way! Face and embrace your fear. It may not be easy, as it has not been at all for me, but it is well worth it. I hope that reading my story will be of help to some of you who are still struggling in an abusive relationship or know someone who is. The sad truth is, most abusive relationships end after a death or serious injury has occurred, or when self-esteem has been totally destroyed.

     There is a toll-free hotline people can call for more information about domestic violence: 1-800-376-2272. Please pass it on to someone who may need it.

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Jane Blume, Editor/Publisher of our Defining Women newsletter, celebrates 37 years of professional work in communications this year. Jane founded Desert Sky Communications in 1989 to help businesses, non-profit organizations and individual entrepreneurs "get the right messages to the right audiences." Desert Sky's services include public relations, marketing and advertising strategies and execution; writing and editing; corporate identity; photography; facilitation; and innovative radio programs. For more information, call Jane at (505) 294-1976, email to  or visit www.desertskycommunications.com.

ecause I’m in the public relations business, it is not hard to get people to understand what I do for a living. Recently, however, several women have told me that they were taught in childhood that it isn’t “ladylike” to boast about one’s accomplishments, and that is why they find it difficult to promote themselves or their businesses.

     I can understand and sympathize with their feelings and beliefs. I was very shy and sensitive as a child, and therefore wasn’t inclined to talk about myself or my accomplishments anyway. But clearly, these childhood prohibitions that these (and countless other) women were raised with is mixed with some fear: fear that they won’t be seen as proper “ladies”… and fear that people won’t want to be around them because they are “boastful.”

     If you are nodding your head sympathetically, if you feel similarly, I urge you to consider this: whether you are employed by someone else or own a business: if you want to gain recognition for what you do, it won’t happen if no one knows about it.

     If you need to find certain types of clients or customers, you won’t find them if no one knows what you are looking for.

     Now, there are various ways to let the world know what you’re up to without seeming to be “boastful” or “un-ladylike.” If you’re working for someone else, you can keep a record of your accomplishments, and then tell your boss or supervisor in writing – on a regular basis – what you’ve done. The memo can be written in very simply, without tons of descriptive adjectives, and quantifying the accomplishments if at all possible – particularly if it saved or earned the organization some money. Remember: if you don’t tell your boss, no one else will.

     If you’re a member of a professional association or trade group, you can take on projects and let the outstanding results you achieve by yourself or with a committee speak for themselves. Eventually, you’ll be catapulted into the leadership ranks.

     If you own a business, or run a non-profit, you should always be prepared to tell every person you meet what your organization does, and how it differentiates itself from its competitors. And you should train your employees to do that, as well. If you don’t do it, no one else will.

     You should also be in continuous contact with your stakeholders, letting them know – in newsletters, on the website, and through press releases and feature stories in the print and electronic media - what you, your employees, or the organization as a whole have accomplished. It’s always better if others talk or write about you, anyway, and newsletters can be written in the third person.

     If you don’t find a way to take the lead to tell the world what’s going on, no one else will.

     You can showcase your own expertise by writing articles, pamphlets or books, delivering talks and teaching courses and seminars. Don’t try to “sell”; just share what you know to make the world a better place. If you don’t demonstrate what you know, no one else will do it for you.

     Do you still have doubts? Well here’s another way to look at it: as my friend Lenann Gardner would say, if you put yourself in a mindset that you solve specific problems for people, or the community at large, and talk about what you do in that way, then you won’t be seen as boastful. You’ll be seen as wanting and working to make the world a better place.

     Isn’t that what we all want for ourselves, anyway? Don’t we want to believe that we’re doing something useful and meaningful in the world and making a difference for people? Well if you can articulate that idea, with sincerity and passion, then you won’t be reluctant to talk about what you do ever again.

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Carol Akright is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), stockbroker and insurance agent specializing in intergenerational planning, retirement funding and wealth building. She is Registered Principal with Associated Securities Corporation of Los Angeles, a full service brokerage firm. A financial educator as well, she lectures nationwide at both public and corporate seminars on investment strategies, "Dream Funding," and other financial topics. She is the author of FUNDING YOUR DREAMS GENERATION TO GENERATION (Dearborn Trade, 2001), and can be reached at (505) 897-1970 or akrightcr1@aol.com. Her website is www.fundingyourdreams.com.

o your fears run your life? Do someone else’s fears run it? If you say “No” to both questions---I’m amazed, for I believe most of us carve our character and choose our life path by the way we respond to fears—our own fears, and those of other people who wield influence over us. Either way, it’s the fears that alter the course we might otherwise take to fulfill our life dreams.

     Having fear within our own heart and mind, or responding to the fear others project, shapes who we become, what we do, and, ultimately, how we view our lives and ourselves. The fears define us, if you will. It comes down to survival really. In short, most fears dwindle down to two: we’re afraid of failing and we fear dying; so we go through life making choices that we hope will allow us to succeed and to survive. Being afraid is part instinct, part learned behavior, and part unconscious response to our own particular brand of ancestral genetic coding.

     I’ll use myself as an example. I fear not surviving—dying in spirit, really, and my particular interpretation of that takes two forms—the fear of not making the most out of my life and the fear of making mistakes that will keep me from achieving personal happiness and fulfillment. I come from a long line of achievers in my family, and I have followed the footsteps of my father and older sister, who were/are perfectionists, as am I. We all have worked long hours, fuss over details, and when they aren’t right, we then procrastinate, thinking, “If we can’t do it right, why do it at all—much less now?” In the shorter term, the fear is really fear of “failure”---failure defined as not getting what (the life) we want and not being seen as succeeding in life.

     How does this fear carve my character? Well, I am a high-stress, Type “A,” over-committed achiever, who, from the outside, appears accomplished, but on the inside I don’t feel “good enough”—yet. Sure, I look great on paper, but the inner sense of success, of having “arrived,” still eludes me. I’m sure it’s still around the corner. So, I keep moving forward, and I’ve concluded that the only option for feeling satisfied is some kind of compromise, since you can never reach perfection, which has always been my familial goal. Thus, fear of failure leaves me feeling never quite successful “enough” in my own view of myself and of my life.

     Another fear I encounter from time to time is the fear of being alone—alone now, and alone when I die. While I like my own company, I prefer interacting with people and surrounding myself with life-long, intimate friends and loving family. I feel more alive (less close to death) when I’m in contact. But, the fact is, we all ultimately die alone—this truth is what most people dread.

     I became aware of my mortality fear when I was thirteen years old—the year my sister left for college. All of a sudden, I became deeply depressed, stopped eating, stopped going to school; my parents were perplexed and quite worried. Susan’s departure from home, breaking up the family unit, made me realize that I would have to leave home one day, too—I’d be on my own—alone, and I was really scared. I reasoned that since I was the youngest one in the family—my parents and then my sister would die, and I would ultimately be alone when I died. Realizing this, I felt I had dropped to the bottom of a black hole.

     One day, in the depths of my despair, I reached the bottom of my fear. I said to myself, “Well, Carol, you’re going to survive, no matter what—even alone you’ll be OK—you’ll be strong, and you’ll survive.” The next day I got dressed, went to school—the black cloud had lifted, and, for the time being, I figured I’d handled my fear.

     Still, growing up and maturing brought other occasions that caused the fear of being alone to resurface: going off to college and leaving behind the security of family and home, breaking up with my first love, my father’s death, my mother’s failing health, and the moment I had to face my inability to bear children, who might have “been there” for me in my later years and at my death.

     The greatest fear I deal with is something else—it’s not fulfilling some of my most important dreams. I talked in an earlier article about my dream of adopting children, even now at age 55—something most people would not dream of doing. I do. But I have a conflict—my husband really doesn’t want to adopt. He feels we’re too old. Ten years ago, he thought we were too old. His fears of dying young as his father did, his fear of the ‘cost’ of raising children—in both dollars and energy expended---have delayed what might have been a normal process of moving from infertility to adoption.

     The anguish of making this choice between two people I love—a known mate of nearly thirty years and the child ‘born’ in my heart who awaits being adopted—has brought yet another fear to me—the fear of making the wrong choice, a mistake I might regret for the rest of my life. So, I have let fears run a very important part of my life, and my own fear of change, being single again if my husband and I split up over this issue—has kept me in this quandary—again, never feeling fully satisfied or successful in realizing my dreams.

     Many of us fear the outcome of firm commitment. I took eleven years to decide to marry my husband, and that fear kept me from even attempting a pregnancy until age 37—certainly an age when we were “pushing the envelope” of fertility. So, I see how a series of small but important fears have shaped the person I have become and directed the path of my life.

     What do I conclude when all is said and done about fear? First, fear is not necessarily a bad thing—for it forces us to face ourselves upfront in the mirror of our lives. Fear makes us look closely at the risks we are willing to take, and the ones we’re not yet able/willing to commit to taking.

     Second, fear does shape our personalities and our journeys, and yet most of us - I for sure - never regret the risks we take, only the ones we don’t. So, perhaps our best use of fear is for clarity—to help us see and know what in life we have to have now—and what we can delay, or do without.

     Third, some risks and fears are bigger than others. But all give us pause and time to reflect on who we’ve been, and who we want to become in our remaining years.

     Finally, your fears today will craft your future. Pay attention to them, weighing the pros and cons of assuming, or not assuming, the responsibility of choice and action. And at the end of life, I hope I, and you, can look back and say that we took more risks than made us comfortable—that we stretched our will to achieve more of the personal happiness we sought. Let us use our own fear well--to carve our characters and direct our journeys toward living our greatest life dreams.

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Shelby Smith-Sanclare, Ph.D. is a Business and Personal Coach who works with individuals and organizations to break preconceived patterns and create new and innovative ways to blaze ahead in their strategic thinking, decision making, and action taking. She brings experience and training in the fields of research, training, strategic planning, environmental design, organizational management, and business consulting. Shelby is a CoachU graduate and a member of the International Coach Federation. She has lived abroad working with both locals and expatriates in making business and personal life choices. Contact her at (505) 296-1514, or email her at .

“Fear, like most emotions is neutral. It is how we act with regard to it that determines its badness or goodness and the ultimate outcome. When we use fear to alert our senses to information that leads to choice and action, we label it good. When it stifles our best instincts and snuffs out our will to undertake our heart’s urging, we regard that as bad.”--Shelby

have mixed feelings about fear. I appreciate the “heads-up” it gives me in situations where caution is needed. I certainly enjoy the vicarious buzz of a thriller novel or movie now and again, don’t you? Fear causes me to pause, to think things through more clearly before making decisions I could later regret. Fear actually alerts all my senses. The additional adrenaline sharpens my thinking to take in more information and make informed decisions.

     On the other hand, I dislike when fear causes me to stop, back off and become paralyzed when action is truly called for. I loathe the regret that comes when I’ve missed an excellent opportunity—one I’m actually trained or prepared for—just because I hesitated. In these cases fear can sabotage our goal of achieving an abundant lifestyle.

     Habits such as second-guessing situations and remaining in the “if only, should, could, would…” patterns of thinking become self-limiting. Backward thinking restricts our ability to make choices, move forward and take action. That ultimately limits our ability to fully enjoy this delicious life of ours.

     Taking calculated risks is part of life. We do it every day when we drive a car or cross a street, when we reach out to meet someone new or try something we’ve never done before. How sad it would be to miss out on all the marvelous opportunities that open us to new worlds and new adventures, or fulfill our hearts’ deepest desire.

     The type of fear I’m talking about isn’t the “fear of success” type. There is a different dynamic occurring with this type of fear, even though some of the questions asked to confront it may be the same. Let’s just address the common, ordinary fear for now.

     When challenging a client, I sometimes hear them respond with a hesitant, “yeah, yeah” and a quote like, “feel the fear and do it anyway” or “we have nothing to fear but fear itself”—excellent sayings by the way, and worthy of consideration. At that point they drop the other shoe: “But…” They hesitate to take action. Quoting a well-known phrase seems enough to acknowledge the fear - yet not enough to move forward.

     Let me suggest an alternative: use these sayings to create action instead. Yes, they may be over-used; but I wonder, are they “over-acted upon”? I sincerely doubt it.

     So, what do these statements really mean for you? If you find yourself identifying with this situation, here are a couple of suggestions:

• Weigh the consequences and the rewards. Frequently our focus is on the negative so completely that we forget that positive results are possible, even likely.

• We often imagine a far greater consequence to our actions than the reality proves. For the more timid among you, try a toe in the water first. Even one small step is moving forward. For example, instead of the genuine tattoo, try the wash-off type just for an evening, or the purple or trendy wig instead of the new dye job or haircut. Instead of the whole suit in flaming red, try a scarf or blouse. As an alternative to the full-blown presentation of a new idea to your boss, fly with a smaller version with an “I’m thinking about this idea…” - and see how s/he takes it.

     The all-or-nothing idea isn’t necessarily the best or only option. At the very least it is more appropriate for the veteran risk-taker personality who is willing to accept greater consequences than you or I might.

     Here is my challenge for you next time you are feeling fearful:

• Take a moment to notice what is going on around you. Identify the fear.

• Observe how your body is alerting you. Each of your six senses is giving you clues.

• Listen to your mind’s conversation. How can you prepare yourself mentally?

• Ask yourself, “What is the worst that could possibly happen in this situation—the best?” “Would the negative consequences really outweigh the rewards?” “What will happen if I avoid or ignore this fear?” If your answers are more positive than negative, then commit to taking action.

• Ask yourself, “How might I prepare myself for the situation?” and “What can I do to change the situation?”

• Then, take one small action step.

     In these situations, I find that it is helpful to be accountable to more than just myself. I share my intentions with a trusted friend or family member. Often, I talk it over with my coach and mentor who always has my best interests foremost on her agenda. She helps me take the steps in just the bite-sized pieces she knows I can swallow, yet challenges me to do more. And, she celebrates with me my small victories.

     Oh yes, celebrate even the smallest steps. Each one you take will lead you through your fear and on to the rewards your spirit is calling you to achieve. With each step you gain the strength of your convictions and the experience that, yes! — you can do it. Your next challenge can build upon these strengths. Soon, you will find yourself meeting challenges you never thought you could, and even though you may still be feeling fear, you’ve learned that you can work with it, not fight against it.

     I’ll leave you with one more quote: “Even if you fall on your face you are still moving forward!” Get up and go again. Life is truly worth it.

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Lenann McGookey Gardner is a Harvard M.B.A. and an independent management consultant specializing in improving companies' sales and marketing results. She works with smaller businesses, as well as large companies, worldwide.  Call Lenann when you want to grow your sales by closing the most desirable, highest profit business. Lenann is a winner of the American Marketing Association/New Mexico's "Services Marketer of the Year" award. Visit her on the Web at www.YouCanSell.com.

Fear of Rejection: Don't Let It Stop You!

onight on “Fear Factor”: worse than eating worms, worse than risking your life on a rickety rope bridge, even worse than being in a pit that’s crawling with snakes … it’s time to sell your services!

     I’m convinced that people are more afraid of selling than they are of public speaking – and surveys say people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of DEATH!

     As a person who both sells and coaches people who sell, I’ve looked fear in the face on too many occasions, and it still amazes me that the desire to avoid rejection causes people to hide out, cower, act really busy, lie, do almost anything but the one thing that can make a difference in their businesses: namely, sell what they have to sell!

     Are you living your life in fear of rejection?

     And, if so, what are you giving up as a result?

     Most businesspeople have two choices when they go to work: do administrative or client work, OR do something about developing new business. Work for current clients and administrative work tend to expand to fill all available time, so if you’re just wanting to go home exhausted, you can do that, and not have done anything about developing new business.

     But, for most of us, new business is our future!

     Why do we fill up our time with just about ANYTHING in order to avoid selling? Because we have the wrong standard for success.

     Think of it this way: if a client has a problem, and you have enough time to devote to it, what are the chances you can solve it? 80%? 90%? And surely administrative work, if you have enough time for it, is something you can get done and experience nearly 100% success, right?

     But if you devote time to selling, you’re never going to be 100% successful. In fact, some of the most successful salespeople are those who get real interest in doing business from perhaps 4 of every 10 prospects with whom they interact.

     Do you follow Major League Baseball? A batter who retires with a .400 batting average will be the most successful batter in the history of the game.

     He’s also be a guy who FAILED 6 out of 10 times when he came up to bat (because batting averages are hits divided by “at bats”).

     Think of that! Fail 6 out of 10 times – and you’re the best batter in the history of baseball!

     So what does this mean to you? It means that, if you can face your fear of selling and decide to contact 10 prospects for your services, whether they’re leads from your web site, business cards you’ve picked up when networking, or even cold calls …

     …And the first contact says, “Not interested!”

     …And the second contact says, “Where did you get my name?!”

     …And the third contact says, “I can’t believe you’re pushing me!”

     …And the fourth contact says, “I don’t have any money budgeted for this!”

     …And the fifth contact says, “I have another supplier.”

     …And the sixth contact says “Don’t call me ever again!”

     …If you’ll still pick up the phone and call the seventh prospect, he’ll probably be interested enough to meet with you! (That’s 6 failures, so it’s likely that the next 4 people will have a bit of interest. If you can develop that interest into business for your firm, you’ll be a star salesperson!)

     Yes, a 40% success rate in striking up conversations with prospects is superstar selling! But this requires that you face your fear and move toward it, rather than hiding out from it. Remember that going home every day saying, “I’m dead tired!” isn’t the same as working on the things that can really make a difference for your business. Closing new business: THAT’S what will secure your future.

     So, having the courage to reach out for new business is an example of facing your fear, and moving forward anyway. Remember that our fear of rejection is just human nature, and remember, too, that many people reject overtures from salespeople because they’re afraid – afraid that they really do have a problem, afraid that they’ll have to invest with you to improve their circumstances, afraid that you’ll be too pushy (after all, the stereotype of salespeople is that they’re pushy, though true professionals seldom offend in that way.)

     There is, however, a difference between hearing someone out, recognizing the challenge they’ve said they’re facing, and honestly saying that you can help them to address that challenge; that’s not pushy, that’s caring… (and that’s material for another column).

     Remember, we don’t get extra credit just for keeping busy; we move our businesses forward when we grow them. Happy selling!

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