Summer 2002 "Who's Influencing You?"

ur newsletter will promote principles of personal success for women. These ideas will illustrate success in the working world, in interpersonal relationships, and in developing self esteem and confidence. Each member will bring special knowledge about attaining personal goals and adding a sense of discovery and excitement to women's lives.

	"Several days after we had our first encounter, Merri was scheduled to speak at a plenary session. She electrified the audience by apologizing to the Palestinians who were there for the indignities they had suffered at the hands of the Israeli government. She said that she hadn’t done enough to help, and promised to work harder for peace. At that point, I broke down and wept..."
	"I have been influenced since young adulthood by the values and opportunities of the feminist movement in this nation—the work of women who took to the streets, to the halls of universities, to boardrooms of corporate America and to the courts to win equal rights, equal education, equal pay, and equal chances to pursue the lives of our dreams. I am humbled by their efforts and personal sacrifices..."
	"On one of the intelligence assessments for children there’s a question about staying away from “bad” people. The correct answers suggest that even at an early age, we can know that some people might have a hurtful influence on us - and others have a positive influence. As we mature, our self-esteem dictates that we choose friends and mentors who influence us to be our most expressive, creative and loving selves."
	"Years ago, when embarking on my career in business, I saw people who drove nice cars, wore great clothes, and seemed to have it all together. What was their secret? Was it just like in the movies: beware of people who appear successful, because they probably have ill-gotten gains?"
	"Whose advice do you seek: someone who is experienced in the certain subject you are asking about, or someone who can only speculate for you? If you keep those around you who have achieved a higher level of self-development, you will have sufficient advice, guidance and help. If you surround yourself with those who are only at your level or below, moving forward in life will be more difficult."

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Jane Blume, Editor/Publisher of our Defining Women newsletter, celebrates 36 years of professional work in communications this year. Jane founded Desert Sky Communications in 1989 to help businesses, non-profit organizations and individual entrepreneurs "get the right messages to the right audiences." Desert Sky's services include public relations, marketing and advertising strategies and execution; writing and editing; corporate identity; photography; facilitation; and innovative radio programs. For more information, call Jane at (505) 294-1976, email to  or visit www.desertskycommunications.com.

n the Fall 2001 edition of Defining Women, I wrote about “an extraordinary international meeting in Switzerland” that my husband and I attended last summer that was sponsored by a worldwide movement called Moral Re-Armament (since renamed Initiatives of Change). I continue to write about it because the experience we had there was so special.

     MRA [now IC] was founded in the 1930s by a Protestant clergyman named Frank Buchman, who saw the “war clouds” gathering in Europe and was looking for a way to prevent it. He believed that conflicts among nations and peoples could be resolved only if opposing parties found ways to reconcile with each other through healing from within and apologies to “the other side.” And healing from within could occur only if an aggrieved person could ‘put things right’ in his or her own life.

     Initiatives of Change has been pursuing these goals ever since. Among the movement’s annual activities is a summer series of weeklong meetings in Caux, Switzerland - 6,000 feet up on a mountain above the lakeside city of Montreux - in IC’s large and beautiful conference center. As first-time visitors last year, Phil and I met people from every corner of the globe, all of whom had one purpose in mind: achieving peace, reconciliation and social justice through sincere efforts to understand and heal the grievances and hurts of others.

     In last fall’s issue I wrote that, “We had heartfelt encounters with a number of extraordinary people, including an American rabbi, a Brooklyn-born Israeli woman, and the spiritual leader of the Moslem community in Brighton, England, [all of whom] have been trying to bring Palestinians and Israelis together for years.”

     At the time, I didn’t write any more about this “Brooklyn-born Israeli woman” – perhaps because I was still processing the profound affect she had on me. Merri Minuskin has a very unusual job for an Israeli: she teaches leadership courses to Arabs through Israel’s Foreign Affairs Institute; the program is completely funded by the government. She has also sponsored regular weekly meetings between Israeli and Palestinian women in a search for mutual understanding.

     Merri told me that in her view, most Israelis have totally ignored the needs and concerns of the Palestinians who live in the occupied territories. She also said that Israel would never be able to achieve complete peace with its Arab and Palestinian neighbors unless the disparate factions in the country make peace with each other.

     When we met, the second Palestinian Intifada was well underway, and Merri’s work had become increasingly more difficult. “I don’t know how much longer my body can hold out,” she told me. (Sadly, the “American rabbi” I met the same evening, Marc Gopin, said the exact same words to me.) Merri was also deeply worried that the Israeli government would eventually discontinue the funding for her program.

     Several days after we had our first encounter, Merri was scheduled to speak at a plenary session. She electrified the audience by apologizing to the Palestinians who were there for the indignities they had suffered at the hands of the Israeli government. She said that she hadn’t done enough to help, and promised to work harder for peace. At that point, I broke down and wept, because I couldn’t imagine how much harder she could possibly work. Little could I know what “the future had in store…”

     In early May we received word that - even as the suicide bombers continued their attacks, and Israeli troops had moved into the West Bank in retaliation (including the controversial invasion of Jenin) - Merri’s regularly scheduled meeting between Israeli and Palestinian women took place anyway.

     IC’s Bryan Hamlin, who has worked in the Middle East for years, reported that:

     “The meeting began with one of the Israeli women announcing that her first cousin had been killed in the Seder restaurant suicide bombing. ‘I can’t go on with this peace-work anymore,’ she said. However when some of the Palestinian women offered to come to the Shivha… (Editor’s Note: A Shivha is the Jewish weeklong period of mourning, when the grieving family receives visitors at home), the Israeli was so moved she decided to keep going with these discussions.

     “Then somehow, Merri got in touch by phone with the head of the hospital in Jenin. They have never met. The hospital was desperate for medical supplies. Eventually, Merri was able to get hold of two truckloads of medical supplies and get them through to the hospital. She told me that the head of the hospital sounded in tears on the phone as he called to thank her.

     “Finally today, after two days of negotiation, Merri was able to arrange a cease-fire, which involved the surrender of 40 Palestinian fighters, between folk in the Jenin refugee camp and the Israeli army.

     “I was on the platform with her last August when Merri spoke and promised to work for justice for and reconciliation with Palestinians. Here is a woman who has kept to her decision… I just wanted to write this… so that you know that some sanity still prevails, and that some good friends, both Israeli and Palestinian, are sticking to things decided in Caux and are keeping hope alive.”

     I was so deeply moved to read Bryan Hamlin’s account because – as far as I can tell – the news media in this country have never reported on the extraordinary things that Merri has done, and continues to do – probably because she has been working “under the radar” all of this time. She has been keeping her “eyes on the prize” of peace and reconciliation between Israelis and Palestinians, and she is unwilling to let suicide bombers, military operations, or the policies of her government deter her.

     I sit here 6,000 miles away, marveling at her bravery and dedication. Would I, would any of us, be able to act so courageously in similar circumstances?

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Carol Akright is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), stockbroker and insurance agent specializing in intergenerational planning, retirement funding and wealth building. She is Registered Principal with Associated Securities Corporation of Los Angeles, a full service brokerage firm. A financial educator as well, she lectures nationwide at both public and corporate seminars on investment strategies, "Dream Funding," and other financial topics. She is the author of FUNDING YOUR DREAMS GENERATION TO GENERATION (Dearborn Trade, 2001), and can be reached at (505) 897-1970 or akrightcr1@aol.com. Her website is www.fundingyourdreams.com.

s I look back over the landscape of my life, I think about what has happened to me, what role I played in each event or circumstance, and what role others played who influenced my thoughts and actions over time. Even now, there are those whose opinions I seek, whose respect I want, and whose insights into the workings of the human mind, spirit, and arenas of endeavor I find valuable and educational. It is safe to say that the realm of influence these individuals exert both enlightens and enhances my life.

     First, in both extent of time and impact, are my parents. My father I look upon as a man of integrity, honesty, intelligence, and humor. By his example of being a wonderful husband, father, and friend within our family and a talented, respected man in his profession, I feel that he - more than any other person in my life - influenced me to want to be an achiever in work and an enjoyer of people overall. I remember him asking my sister and me if we enjoyed our work—enjoyed getting get up every day and looking forward to our daily activities and long-term career goals. For the most part, I have been able to do that during both my careers—first as a broadcast journalist, now as a financial advisor and educator. As for friendship, he often remarked: “Carol, if you can count your close, trustworthy friends on one hand, you are a lucky person. Cherish those good people in your life.” And I do. When he told me once that he not only loved me, but he also liked me, I felt extremely honored.

     My mother has influenced my desire to be a kind, loving person, as she has been all her life. Now eighty-eight, she still has women friends who call on her to talk about their personal concerns, to get together when they need cheering up, to help out at a time of distress. Sometimes I think that her nurturing of others leaves her less self-nurtured than she might need; I see the same tendency in myself. Yet, who does not need someone in their life to be a nurturer for them? I like to serve in that role for friends, family, even clients. My mother also is very courageous and independent. When many of her widowed friends seem timid and fearful by comparison, she is independent, unafraid to live alone, and seems to enjoy her days when she sees no one. She truly likes her own company. I strive to be a courageous, independent woman as well.

     Another woman whom I admire greatly and wish to emulate is my maternal grandmother. This woman, born in 1886, lived to the age of 98. I never recall her uttering a cross word, or being less than interested and helpful. She was remarkably strong in body, mind and spirit. To me, even though she was a homemaker who never worked outside the home, she was a Renaissance woman of intelligence, with a keen sense of knowing how the world works. She was a full-blooded Scot, thrifty with a coin, imbued with a hearty chuckle, who kept a pragmatic perspective on life’s troubles. She rarely worried, took things in stride, and made life pleasant for those around her by being an upbeat, dependable, and gracious woman. I wear her wedding rings, and whenever I gaze at them, I am reminded of someone whom I still cherish and revere. I like to think I carry some of her wonderful genes and traits in my body and character. I also aim to live to be at least 98; actually with modern science and sheer will, I aim for 135—so I can live to see my grandchildren marry! (I’m getting a late start in parenting!).

     My list of great influencers would be incomplete without naming my husband, Mark. Besides my father, no other man has imprinted his ideals and view of life so indelibly on my mind and heart. While we don’t always see eye to eye on some matters, even some of importance in our marriage, and while our coping styles are quite different, he is someone I admire greatly--for his integrity, his honesty in approaching business colleagues, friends and family, for his loyalty to those he loves, his caring to help others in various ways, and his direct way of dealing with problems, difficulties, and setbacks. His shrewd business sense, street savvy, and frugal nature are all traits I relish and seek to align with in my own life. Still, I must admit, he has more “street savvy” than I; he’s more frugal than I; and he’s a born “maven” in business. My success is harder won, I believe. He seems to attract it more easily. He has influenced me to want less, relax more, and enjoy daily life in small ways that I treasure.

     Also, as someone now embarking on the thrilling step of adopting a child or children, I am influenced greatly by wonderful friends who are also mothers, many of whom nurtured my dream of not giving up on becoming a mother, even at a later age in life. Tiiu Lukk, with whom I shared broadcasting days and know from California, is the best proactive mother I know. She is an advocate for her children to learn much outside the classroom, including everything from world travel aboard ships where she lectures, to selecting and pursuing one musical instrument so as to enjoy music for a lifetime, to taking outside coursework to challenge their bright minds. If I were a kid again, wanting to explore all of life’s possibilities, I’d want Tiiu guiding me all the way.

     Another great mom is psychologist and friend, Liz Gong-Guy—the most patient mother I know, who never talked baby talk to her daughter, but rather speaks to her as she would any adult--with respect for her young mind and her many questions. She raises her child not only with love, but with the daily chances to choose among opportunities, to express her opinions readily, debate her position when she wants something, and, in general, to become a young girl with high self-esteem and yet caring about others.

     Furthermore, I am influenced by other women I know who have also struggled through years of infertility procedures, broken dreams over birth children who never arrived, and who persevered to find the children “born in their hearts” whom they have adopted into their loving homes. I cannot wait to become one of them!

     Besides individuals, I have been influenced since young adulthood by the values and opportunities of the feminist movement in this nation—the work of women who took to the streets, to the halls of universities, to boardrooms of corporate America and to the courts to win equal rights, equal education, equal pay, and equal chances to pursue the lives of our dreams. I am humbled by their efforts and personal sacrifices to give my generation and future generations of women not only the opportunity to create the lives we want for ourselves, but also the freedom to obtain the platform, the position, the money and the commitment to influence the course of this nation, to expand social equality and justice, and to guide those individuals who come into our own circle of experience. I feel so appreciative that I live in this nation, today, with this amazing inheritance from the women who preceded me.

     Lastly, I would say that I have been profoundly influenced by an inner belief—call it faith or spirituality—that I am honor-bound, through the gift of life, to take the blank sheet of the years awarded me and write a worthy chapter. I aim to use my God-given talents, take what I have learned through the help of all my teachers, and create something of value in the world that serves and benefits others—be it a client who through our work together is able to achieve some of his or her most cherished dreams—or a small child or animal that I care for and raise to adulthood, cherishing and guiding as best I can—or a friend with whom I share mirth and build happy memories of comradeship. I feel compelled to fill my chapter of human experience with an extraordinary life—extraordinary in that I stretch myself, challenge myself, and enjoy myself in the pursuit of making a positive difference in the lives I touch, passing down the legacy of those who have influenced me to become all that I am capable of becoming.

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Dr. Gail Feldman is a clinical psychologist, award-winning author, and public speaker. Her latest book, "From Crisis to Creativity: Taking Advantage of Adversity," will be published in an updated edition in London this year by Little Brown. She is trained in hypnotherapy, regression therapy, and eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). For more information, please call her office at 505-266-8488; you may also send email to: GFWrites@aol.com, or visit her Website at www.gailfeldman.com.

evelopmental psychologists would say that our earliest and most lasting influences come from our families and caretakers. If we are fortunate to be raised by loving and attentive people, we internalize values and develop the capacity for connection and intimate attachments, and we construct psychological defenses to provide just the right amount of protection against negative outside influences.

     Unfortunately, the thoughtless comments parents make to us along the way are like long-acting post-hypnotic suggestions. So, my mother’s statement, “Your hair is impossible!” said when I was eight years old as she was getting me ready for school, became burned into my brain where it regularly resurfaces, causing me to believe that indeed, my hair is impossible.

     My sister was told jokingly once that she was going to be a “Two-ton Lizzie,” because she was big-boned and had a big appetite. Guess what? Even though she’s never been seriously overweight, she thinks of herself as large and fat.

     The insinuations my sister and I remember most are the questions, “What’s wrong with you?” and, “Who do you think you are?” You might imagine how much time we spent pondering the first one. We never did figure out exactly what was wrong with us. The second question, more a declaration, was simply a response to whatever grandiose and very creative plan we excitedly and mistakenly shared with the grownups. So, in some ways, we are spending the rest of our lives teasing out the truth about what we were told by our parents, and how we were influenced to think about ourselves as we grew up.

     Teachers and neighbors also influenced our self-concepts. Mrs. Waller, the only elegant woman in our neighborhood of drunks, domestic violence perpetrators, and unemployed meat-packers, consistently told me that I acted just like, “a little lady,” and every time she said that I went into my princess trance. If that’s how she saw me, I thought, I really had the potential to be a lady (translated, “be able to get the hell out of this dead-end neighborhood”). Her gentle affirmations, as much as anything else, motivated me to study my head off and get on to college.

     In adolescence we are very much influenced by our peers. Everyone wants to be a part of the “in-group,” accepted and admired. Looking back, which group did you aspire to join: the jocks, the greasers, the stompers, prom queens, homemakers, nerds, motorcycle molls, or the preppies?

     And how long did it take to get over their influence? Or have you?

     Let’s not forget the influence of the communities and the societies in which we grew up - and the sub-societies of religion, class, and ethnicity. Think of which category influenced you the most. For me it was class. If your skin was brown or black, you lived near the same area of town that the white working class lived in - and that meant we were all poor.

     Then there were the middle class and the rich. We didn’t differentiate. Those kids lived in Kensington Park, the Grossmont hills, and the beach areas, like La Jolla. (This was San Diego in the ’40s and ’50s.) It was only when I got to college and graduate school that I realized that people of color are more likely to be discriminated against and therefore more oppressed by poverty. That knowledge influenced my motivation to participate in the civil rights movement in Los Angeles. Growing up “economically challenged” also influenced the creation of values that led to a six-year career in social work - counseling male prison parolees, teenage gangs, drug addicts, and disadvantaged minority families - before going back to school for my Ph.D.

     My Irish-Catholic grandfather, a career navy NCO (Non-Commissioned Officer), joined the navy at the age of sixteen and was completely self-educated. I never saw the man without a book (except during the Friday night poker games). On Sunday afternoons, friends used to drop by to hear Grandpa Tommy talk with enthusiasm and excitement and emphatic gestures about the ancient Greeks, the Roman Empire, or some other historical period he’d been reading about.

     Education was the way to a better life, he said. And contrary to the upper-class girls who went to college to find a husband, my grandparents pointed out that I couldn’t rely on a man. “Look what happened to your mother,” they’d say. “Your father left her and now she has to work long hours in a factory.” Grandpa Tommy gave me 100 pennies for every A, and I would “tube” my pennies and take them to the bank. School was obviously the golden door to freedom and to riches.

     On one of the intelligence assessments for children there’s a question about staying away from “bad” people. The correct answers suggest that even at an early age, we can know that some people might have a hurtful influence on us - and others have a positive influence. As we mature, our self-esteem dictates that we choose friends and mentors who influence us to be our most expressive, creative and loving selves. And of course, conscious choice becomes more possible in adulthood. “Choice,” then, is the key word.

     Eighty-eight year old Agnes Martin is one of the foremost abstract artists in the world today. She still works in her studio in Taos, New Mexico, and when I interviewed her for my second book, From Crisis to Creativity, the question I was most eager to ask was, “Who had the greatest influence on your painting?” Her answer was a flat, “I don’t believe in influence.” Agnes Martin told me she believes in Inspiration. “Inspiration and life are equivalent,” she says, and for her that is true. Her life, her creative expression, is completely aligned with her meditative practice of keeping the mind open, “free to be inspired.”

     Those of us who have a more interactive life out in the world can still benefit from Agnes Martin’s example of choice. We must simply be discerning about those we allow to influence us. We must choose as confidantes and consultants only those who are skilled to advise us and clearly devoted to our well being.

     Like Agnes Martin, we can also recognize the power of our own inner Wisdom. Every one of us has deep unconscious resources we can access through our dreams and daydreams. Allow yourself to be influenced by your own Inner Guidance. Start a dream journal, and after you’ve recorded a dream in the morning, meditate and see what insight and direction the dream is bringing to you.

     You might also like to embrace your Inner Wisdom through the practice of your spiritual beliefs by recognizing the gifts of Divine Intelligence. Like Agnes Martin, I believe that all intuition, inspiration, and insight are a part of a transcendent energy Source we call by different names. At the end of my morning meditation, I always go into prayer for myself and others, and whether I pray to Mother- Father- God, Jesus, Mary, the Great Cosmic Mother, or my favorite Goddesses, Tara or Kuan Yin, I always receive responses of support, compassion, clarity, and love.

     I would say that this spiritual connection is now the most prominent influence in my life.

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Lenann McGookey Gardner is a Harvard M.B.A. and an independent management consultant specializing in improving companies' sales and marketing results. She works with smaller businesses, as well as large companies, worldwide.  Call Lenann when you want to grow your sales by closing the most desirable, highest profit business. Lenann is a recent winner of the American Marketing Association/New Mexico's "Services Marketer of the Year" award. Visit her on the Web at www.YouCanSell.com.

Careful! Are you being influenced by the wrong things?

admit it. I'm a celebrity and fashion magazine nut. When confronted with two back issues of the "Harvard Business Review," a colorful "Fast Company," an "Inc.," or a "Selling Power" – all things that can help me in my work – I'll burrow under them to find the copy of "People" or "Vogue.”

     And somehow those magazines always make me feel a crazy combination of good … and bad.

     They influence me. They lead me to think that lots of people are more successful, and clearly much more attractive, than I am.

     And, of course, I allow it every time!

     Some time ago I wrote an article for this newsletter that prompted my friend Kay Griffin to say, "Why don't you write about what we allow to influence us, and how that affects our success?" Good idea, Kay. Here it is.

     It isn't just magazines. It's mostly people. And I know that I – and I suspect many other women – aren't as careful as we should be about allowing influence to happen.

     I wish I could keep the criteria in mind: Is this person worthy of my allowing influence to happen? Who IS this person? What do they stand for? And do we have any values in common at all?

     But instead I'm swayed: swayed by the media, swayed by the glamour, and ALWAYS swayed by what "everybody" seems to be doing.

     I tell my daughter Lindsay, "You become what – and who -- you surround yourself with."

     And me? Well, I surround myself with fashion and beauty images that are as good for my self esteem as “Barbie” would have been for Lindsay (she wasn't interested in Barbie, thank goodness!).

     And influence happens in other ways, too. Years ago, when embarking on my career in business, I saw people who drove nice cars, wore great clothes, and seemed to have it all together. What was their secret? Was it just like in the movies: beware of people who appear successful, because they probably have ill-gotten gains? That must be the case, I reasoned – after all, I was honest, and I was making $600 a month in my job at an advertising agency in L.A. If they were making more, well, they probably did things I'd rather not think about!

     And that's a pervasive attitude too. I think lots of us are so influenced by the media that we've come to believe that, somehow, money is bad. "Money is the root of all evil," we mouth, so therefore if I don't have any money, I must be virtuous!

     Nah. That's just not true. What's true is this: the absence of money is the root of a lot of evil. People who have money may or may not be moral, ethical people. And people who have money are freed up from the pursuit of money to put bread on the table, and able – if they choose – to spend their money to do good!

     When you're broke, you're just wasting energy running around getting money!

     But the media – and I think, for example, of Gordon Gekko, the Michael Douglas character in the movie "Wall Street" – lead us to think wealth is bad. When Gordon Gekko says, "Greed is good," we all know that he's a bad man with a bad agenda. And, if we're not careful, there's influence there – money is bad!

     Years ago I read a book called, Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow. That book angers me. I think it has influenced a lot of women to try to just do whatever they love - whether or not what they love is perceived to have economic value – confident that, eventually, the money will follow. In many cases, it hasn't. But the book did have influence!

     Thinking back on those who have powerfully influenced my life, I'd pick Mrs. Baker, my seventh grade Ohio History and Health teacher, who told me I was normal (and taught me how important reassurance can be to those too young to reassure themselves); Mr. - now Dr. - Dansker, my Reporting class professor at Bowling Green State University, who shamed me into writing more professionally (and taught me that being tough and having high standards is a good idea and can drive improved performance); Dr. Ben Shapiro at Harvard Business School, who taught me that business, and sales and marketing particularly, can be a heck of a lot of fun; Marie Tramz, my best friend, who taught me that being happy is possible, even in difficult circumstances; Al Algaze, my boss at Xerox Computer Services, who taught me that you can build bridges with anyone – and some of those people will feel so comfortable with you that they will spend a lot of money with you; Judy Shackelford, the Executive Vice President of Marketing at Mattel, who hired me because she thought I had the potential to launch new products even though I had never done so; Reverend Bruce Wilder, who taught me that it's possible to stand up for one's faith in God and still be cool; and my good friend Patti Roland, who teaches me every day that it's possible to have optimism in the face of a bad prognosis, and that sometimes love requires us to be tougher than we ever thought we could be. All these people inspire and influence me.

     I have mostly chosen not to be influenced by those who would hurt me, and those who would tell me that "It can't be done", no matter what "It" is! Sure, the negative people and the negative thoughts come to me just as they do to most folks, but I'm interested in deflecting their influence and replacing it with the many positive things I have learned and experienced.

     Maybe if I gave in to all the negative influences on me, I'd sink into despair. But I'd prefer to think that I'm choosing much of what influences me. And I choose the capable people, the broad thinkers, the big thinkers, the kind people, the faithful people, and the "can do" folks. What about you?

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Janet L. Hall is a Certified Kinesionics Practitioner/Herbalist/Nutritionist and owner of Alternative Wellness Center in Albuquerque. She is a member of the Association of Specialized Kinesiologists of the U.S., and also a member of the American Herbalists Guild. The People Living Through Cancer organization recently awarded Janet a plaque for her caring, dedicated and professional treatment of those she works with who are dealing with cancer. Janet is also the consulting Kinesiologist and Nutritionist for A New Hope, a foundation for eating disorders. Janet can be reached at (505) 294-WELL, or drjhall@qwest.net

hat is your attitude about life? Everyone has certain beliefs, perceptions and ideas about life. Where do these come from? There are many things that shape our attitudes and views. We are influenced by our parents, siblings, friends, schools and community environment, as well as by our mates and peers later on in life.

Development of self - how it corresponds to influence from others
     Usually by the time your teen years have passed and you embark on your life journey as a young adult, you have developed a good sense of your inner self. Today, because so much dysfunction exists in family units, the sense of self may not be fully developed or recognized. Emotional growth is sometimes stunted. Without a good, solid, stable and healthy sense of self, formed early in life, it is easy to be influenced in numerous directions - and by anyone.

     But how would you know if your sense of self is fully developed and complete? Well, there are apparent signs to determine whether or not this may be the case. Do you readily know your likes and dislikes? When someone asks you what restaurant you’d like to go to or what you would prefer to eat, do you reply, “Oh, whatever you’d like is fine,” primarily because you really don’t know what you’d like to have? Indecisiveness is a key factor in determining how far your self-development has progressed.

     How do you feel when you are completely alone? Do you relax and enjoy it? Or do you feel lonely and anxious, and sense that you need to be “doing something,” or calling someone? Do you keep constantly busy, a “workaholic” or “busy-bee”, so to speak? This generally occurs because the self is so underdeveloped that having time to yourself leaves a void within you.

     Are you the type of person who can’t just “be” with others, but must always “do” for them? Do you get out of one relationship and cannot be alone, so you immediately jump into another? Are you like a chameleon, changing your preferences and ideas to match those of whomever you are currently with? A combination of these things can be telltale signs that the self has never fully emerged.

     If you tend to suppress and ignore your dreams, goals, desires and wishes, along with things you love to do chances are, again, that the self is not fully developed. For example, do you love to paint, dance, do gardening or some other activity, and yet never seem to make time for it? When the self is fully developed, it moves you to be sure to do the activities that make you feel good and self-fulfilled.

     When you know who you are, what you stand for, and what your likes and dislikes are, you stand firm in what I like to term as “your own truth”. It is not what others think and feel, but how you think and feel about things. Standing in this truth means that you will not give your power to others, but will give yourself permission to be empowered. You recognize that you must take care of yourself and stand for what you believe, no matter who is trying to influence you otherwise.

     Keeping yourself surrounded by people who will help you mature, grow and move forward in life is so important. Whose advice do you seek: someone who is experienced in the certain subject you are asking about, or someone who can only speculate for you? If you keep those around you who have achieved a higher level of self-development, you will have sufficient advice, guidance and help. If you surround yourself with those who are only at your level or below, moving forward in life will be more difficult.

The Goal of Positive Influence
     All of us can benefit from having people around us who have experienced what we have not. Having a mentor, for example, can be a wonderful thing. Mentors are helpful guides, and have already arrived where you are going in life. Their influence can really help you progress. But is the goal always to find mentors and positive influences? Not really. At some point you will want to have your “self” so fully developed that you will become your own mentor and positive influence!

     Think about it: haven’t you found different levels of mentors and influential people all along your way, learning different things from each one and moving on to another? Do you ever remember thinking that you had gained all you could from one person, and later on a new one appeared? Well, down the road, you can begin to relate to the people who assisted you more as peers than mentors. You will find that you now mentor others as well as mentoring yourself.

Keeping yourself in a position to be a positive influence on others
     To mentor and be a positive influence for yourself and others, you must keep yourself in a constant state of growth and learning: “filling your well,” so to speak. It makes sense that “if you don’t fill the well, you run out of water.“ You must have yourself in a state of “excess” in order to give to others without running out or burning out. Otherwise, it will be a constant drain on you, and you will become “insufficient” - just as a well can become dry.

Your status in this
     It is always good to reflect upon where you are with this information currently. Are you around influences that build you up and stimulate you to action? Do you need to weed out some negative interactions you may have with some people? Continue to look for opportunities to work with those who can really help you to move forward in life. Also, analyze your influence on others. Is it positive? Do you have a lot to offer? If not, look at the reasons why. Is the inner self fully developed? If you come to the realization that it is not, there are many self-help books available to discover and/or recover your inner self. The book, “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron provides a great workbook to help you emerge and work on the inner self.

     Do you “fill your well” with active growth, maturity and knowledge seeking? If you are actively sharing yourself with others it is amazing how it comes back to you in even larger measure! So, take some time to reevaluate what and who is influencing you - and empower yourself!

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