Defining Women Newsletter - Summer 2008, "How Are You Living Your Life?"

Shelby Smith-Sanclare, Ph.D. is a Business and Personal Coach who works with individuals and organizations to break preconceived patterns and create new and innovative ways to blaze ahead in their strategic thinking, decision making, and action taking. She brings experience and training in the fields of research, training, strategic planning, environmental design, organizational management, and business consulting. Shelby is a CoachU graduate and a member of the International Coach Federation. She has lived abroad working with both locals and expatriates in making business and personal life choices. Contact her at (505) 237-2005, or email her at .

y dear cat companion of seventeen years, Berani—or Mr. B. as we affectionately called him—recently joined his sister in death. Despite his beginnings as a Jakarta street cat, he lived a remarkably long life. In fact, while sending the announcement to his many friends and acquaintances around the world, I recounted his nine lives and was surprised to find he had not nine but eleven! I've been thinking that he is a great model for me to emulate in several ways, and should I do so, I would live not just a good life, but an unexpectedly amazing one, perhaps pushing it to extraordinary by the end. What more could anyone ask for—or really want?
     To start with, of course, Berani lived in the "now". He didn't waste time with the "should haves" and "if onlys" of the past, nor did he live with the "what if" and "if … then" of the future. He was solidly rooted in the present and took each day, enjoying every last drop of it, exploring it with curiosity, audacity, and boldness that only being fully present in the moment allows.
     What if we all could do that? What would it take for us to be here—NOW—and not slip-slide into the past or barrel our thoughts into the future? If the promise were to live a life that could amaze and delight us to the very end, would we be willing to do what it takes to get there?
     Sounds easy, and yet I believe our everyday habits, words, and beliefs stop us short, as does the fear and hesitation from past experiences keep us from courageously daring to live our lives differently. Horror of horrors! What if we really lived the life we truly want? Change, that bugaboo we shrink from, may be required—both for us and those who know and love us. Are we willing to step forward and declare ourselves and be seen in this new light?
     "Courage" is one word that comes to mind and another is "bravery". It would be gutsy to stand up to all those social and relational expectations and tell our truth lovingly to others when the answer to their expectations would be "No." What better than a cat to teach us "No." They have us humans well trained in that regard. They just don't do much of what they don't want to do, and it is a trait that we respect if we're cat lovers, and irritates us if we aren't. Would we be willing to do just a little creating on our own and do what we want rather than to be ever mindful of others rather than ourselves—especially if we anticipate that others may be irritated?
     Yes, I know I've written about this before in these columns, and it is important both for us and for others that we truly know ourselves well enough and be willing to take care of our needs in this regard. You might like to know that I work with my clients on a program called the "Needless Program." When I first trained for it, I thought, what is this? Would I be sacrificing myself to others? Imagine my surprise when I learned that when we are "needless" we are taking care of ourselves and thus not acting from a place of guilt and obligation and not putting our well-being unnecessarily at the mercy of another's moods, willingness, and possible rejection.
     Another wonderful trait of cats, and of Berani specifically, is that wonderful ability to stretch before entering into any movement, and sometimes just for stretching's sake. I was amazed that up until the very end, after being in one place for a while, he would still stretch before making a further move.
     Stretching makes a wonderful metaphor for us to emulate. We all are aware of the remarkable benefits of stretching every day. Yoga instructors, physical and massage therapists, not to mention many of the more "with-it" MDs and holistic practitioners urge us to develop a routine practice of stretching. What about all the other ways to stretch? Emotional and mental stretching certainly would benefit us as well. In fact, it may take quite a bit of both to learn to be "needless." And let's not forget the wonderful benefits that are showing up in health newsletters and magazines of all sorts: stretching our mental capacities as well as our physical bodies can help with aging, keeping us alert and more capable of living longer independently.
     Berani survived many traumas and changes in his lifetime. He and his sister were yanked from their mother and the dangerous life on the streets in Jakarta. He recovered from a near-fatal illness, and fended off civet cats, lizards, rodents, and snakes living in our roof and yards. Then, he was caged and flown 10,500 miles to his first home in the U.S. From tropics to southern living. He went to Boston winters then on to Phoenix deserts, and another 3,300 miles. He became adjusted—sort of—to many car trips between Phoenix and Albuquerque. Talk about rebounding from alterations to his life! Through all this, the only time he grieved for long was when his sister died.
     With each change and disruption, he explored his new surroundings, determined just how far he could stretch his limits, and proceeded to live the new situation fully. He explored and experimented with his life's circumstances, playing the hand he was dealt. That is true resiliency. We all are pulled up short at one time or another during our lives—by tragedy, illness, not achieving what we'd hoped for, or disappointments in ourselves and with others. Being resilient is that quality that allows us to bob back from the undertow, reset our sights, and seek new ways to move forward even before we've reset our Life's compass.
     Two other traits Berani exhibited, along with most cats, was a profound sense of what it meant to play hard and rest—utterly, completely. He threw his entire being into both. Up until the end, I couldn't put a teasing finger too close or it would be the end of my finger. He just couldn't resist the chance to grab the gusto. When we have the opportunity to play—with ideas as well as with others—do we take the occasion to do so? Or, do we pull back with a false sense of keeping our nose to the grindstone or fear of looking foolish? To regain our sense of childlike play is so important. There is a quality of awe that is created by play, and it can inspire our outlook and generate wonderful opportunities for creativity, not to mention energy, when we apply it to our "adult" lives.
     For Berani there were two types of rest: cat naps and deep sleep. After having a few naps here there and all around the house and outside, he'd want to find a place where he could let go and fall into the soundest of slumbers. I envy those who can take that quick cat nap at work. They seem so refreshed after just a half an hour. Still, I do find that pausing for just five minutes here and there to relax my mind and body is a way to revitalize and help me focus more clearly on the task at hand. The question I ask myself and you is, "Are you willing to gift yourself with these moments without labeling them as stolen? What or who are you stealing them from if they give you new insights and energy to accomplish your work more effectively?
     Well, that was Berani. He lived in the present and always got his needs met - be that for his curiosity or basic survival. He was ready equally for play or rest, or the serious task of hunting, finding food, or satisfying something he was intent upon. He made sure to stretch at every opportunity. I'm sure his explorations stretched his boundaries and gave him new insights about the best places to go and do. There was no doubt about his resiliency. He rebounded from traumas and life changes that would challenge the most able of us humans. Whatever life gave him he faced with courage, and he certainly made his "No" known if I wanted him to do something that he didn't. I should be so fortunate as to live by his example. I know my life would be fuller and richer than any I could imagine right now should I do so.
     Oh yes. One last thing. In the Bahasa language of Indonesia, berani means courageous or brave.
     In your life, will you be Berani?

Lenann McGookey Gardner is an internationally known sales consultant and author of the book, “Got Sales? The Complete Guide to Today’s Proven Methods for Selling Services” (Jarndyce & Jarndyce Press, 2007). A Harvard MBA, Lenann was the number one sales representative worldwide at a unit of Xerox Corporation, and achieved unprecedented results as a marketing executive at Mattel and in leadership roles at Blue Cross Blue Shield. She is a winner of the American Marketing Association’s Professional Services “Marketer of the Year” award. For more information, including purchasing her book, please contact Lenann at or at 505-828-1788.

hat a topic!
     "With gusto!" I know that's the right answer. But lately I've been feeling more fragile than usual. Just a little less resilient, a little less Gumby-type flexible. How about you?
     Maybe it's my community service work with people who are experiencing tough challenges.
     Maybe it's my clients, some of whom are, um, experiencing tough challenges.
     Maybe it's because it's summer, and, here in New Mexico, that means that most everything S-L-O-W-S D-O-W-N. (Not ME, just people like those at my car dealership, who have now kept my vehicle for four days, and still haven't found the problem that keeps a warning light shining on my dashboard!)
     Or maybe it's one particular client of mine that's bothering me. They hired me to give a day-long workshop, and six of the attendees signed up for Daily Emailed Sales Tips from me. Two wanted coaching advice. I'm sending the tips and I'm ready with the advice - but those two have disappeared! (And I know that's because they're not doing any selling, so they're hiding from me!)
     I've been consulting for 16 years now, and I am absolutely sure there is no magic wand that I, you, or anyone else can wave to be sure your business grows. If you want your professional life to be successful, to have the sort of work you'd most like to be doing, and the money you'd really like to have, you'll need a systematic, methodical business development effort!
     For some people, it's simply continually reaching out to further help the clients we already have. But for most of us, we must reach out to new prospective clients, determine which of those we can help, and sign them up! Have YOU done anything about that, this week? Just checking…
The Big Picture
     I'm living my professional life as a coach, speaker and consultant, so I'm serving a lot of "masters". Lots of people buy pieces of my time, and each of them has every right to expect my best work. As a person who grew up without much of a family, I value giving time to the family I'm lucky to have now. Then there is charity work, the gym, my continuing weight loss effort (8.8 pounds left to lose!), my friends, my music group … I am doing too much and moving too fast.
     Could that be something you're caught up in, too?
     It's always surprising to me, when I meet someone who says "I'm bored." I am NEVER bored. Instead, I've become an efficiency machine.
     And oh, I strived for this! I've thought about the things that waste my time, and systematically eliminated most of them, just as the time management books suggest. (There's a joke: "time management". There's no such thing! Time is fixed, immutable - all we can do is "task management". For sure. I'm indebted to Todd Duncan for pointing that out!)
     So here's how I manage my tasks: I don't leave the house without a list of errands, arranged in a sequence that minimizes drive time. I schedule blocks of time just for work on big projects, and I keep those appointments with myself. I hire people to do the tasks I really dislike doing, and spend that time on my business, where I am likely to make more money than I spent to employ those helpers.
     It's just that, from time to time, I'm so tired. Not physically fatigued - I have prodigious energy - but just weary of pushing myself so hard, and irritated when unforeseen events throw my schedule off. I hate tense women who can't handle a ten-minute change in their schedule, but I have to ask, am I becoming one?
     Anybody can run away for a weekend, and we do that, but I'd like to learn how to fit periods of calm into productive days. I'd like to see myself making time, even on busy days, to find my center, to enjoy life more. And where's my center? Why, under those 8.8 pounds, of course!
     As the daughter of a woman who died at the age of 39, I've always known that life can be short, and I've lived in such a way that, if mine is, I won't have missed much. Not having had a mother after the age of three, I've built a wonderful relationship with my own adult daughter. I'm married to the right man. I have a business that not only earns me the money it takes to support a comfortable lifestyle, but also takes me all over the world, to satisfy my considerable wanderlust. I have a few good friends, a wonderful puppy, a nice home, and many challenges to keep me interested. But I see so many people who are rushing, rushing, rushing, trying to get more done. Heck, I'm one of them. And I don't think it's a path to happiness.
     What's the key to finding more joy? I don't think that, for me, it's scheduling more stuff. Even if that stuff is FUN, I'm too schedule-driven already! So I'm going to take much of August off this year, and focus on recharging, on loving life rather than just scratching items off a To Do list. Between now and then, though, I'm on a tight schedule. My plane for this week's work in France leaves in just three hours. So… I can't do much that's productive today because - you guessed it - I'm on travel!

Dr. Janet L. Hall, ND, C.K.P, A.H.G, owner of Alternative Wellness Center in Albuquerque, is a Naturopathic Physician, Certified Kinesiologist, Certified Herbalist and Emotional Facilitator.

If you wish to comment on this article, or if you would like a life empowerment & change integration to increase the enjoyment of your journey, contact Janet at (505) 294-WELL (9355), or e-mail her at .

s your life in the "fast lane?" Does your life seem to be passing you by all too quickly?
     If so, it may be time for a good, long, look at why. Time to make an evaluation of what is really important and what is not.
     I have had the experience of being with people who are dying. Most people on their deathbed are not regretting the things they did, but the things they didn't do. The things they didn't make time for. The biggest regrets seem to be about not making time for loved ones. Really, our family and friendships are the most important things we have!
     Those at the end of their lives made additional comments of regret that they had not taken very good care of their bodies and their health, which led to severe illness and disease. Next to that, were expressions of their lost dreams - travel they would have enjoyed, learning something they were interested in but didn't make time for, and certainly expressions of not being "done" with life.
     I recently heard the song "Cats in the cradle." Each time I hear it, I am always reminded how important it is not to let work, or anything get in the way of having time with my children, grandchildren and aging parents.
     In the end, the way we have lived our lives really boils down to how well we were loved and how well we have loved others. Everything else has been termed "just the stuff in between."
     I have a friend whose current, only life focus is making millions of dollars "to be successful" and please those she loves. Yet, I know that if and when that goal is accomplished she will not be any happier. Why do I think so? First of all, it is because this is not her goal - it is to please another - and secondly, most people with millions of dollars still do not feel successful at life, only at making money.
     My father once gave me an important poem about success, by which I wish to live my life:
Success
     To laugh often and much,
     To win the respect of intelligent people
                     and the affection of children,
     To earn the appreciation of honest critics
                    and endure the betrayal of false friends
                    (I prefer: being a person who attracts positive friends)
     To appreciate the beauty,
               to find the best in others!
     To leave the world a bit better,
               Whether by a healthy child,
                    a garden patch
                    or a redeemed social condition.
     To know even one life
          has breathed easier
               because you have lived…..
                    this is to have succeeded.
                                             Ralph Waldo Emerson
     True success in life is not in one forum, but in all.
     We need to be living each day as though it is our last - with the passion, gratitude and love that we would feel knowing it was the last time we would experience a day in our life.
     Take a moment now, if you will, and just imagine that it is your time to go and you are looking back. What would you regret?
     I did that and got a glimpse of how I would feel. My biggest regrets were like those people I sat with as they were dying. I would regret not being able to spend more quality time with my family, to enjoy the beauty of the outdoors, to be in water more (such as being at the lake), to play with babies and children, to laugh, dance and sing more - all the things I love.
     To avoid these regrets, make the changes in your life now - before it is too late. Live your own dreams and not the dreams of others so as not to have regrets. Don't put off the time to evaluate your life and how you are living it!

Jane Blume

Desert Sky Communications

Jane Blume

Jane Blume, editor/publisher of our Defining Women newsletter, celebrates 42 years of professional work in communications this year. Jane founded Desert Sky Communications in 1989 to help businesses, non-profit organizations and individual entrepreneurs "get the right messages to the right audiences." Desert Sky's services include public relations, marketing and advertising strategies and execution; writing and editing; corporate identity; photography; facilitation; and innovative radio programs. For more information, call Jane at (505) 294-1976, email to or visit www.desertskycommunications.com.

n the Winter 2008 edition of Defining Women, which was devoted to the theme of "repositioning," I wrote about what was going on with me in the months since my husband, Phil, died (October 27, 2007).
I said that I was not rethinking my identity (not yet, anyway) because I had developed one of my own while we were married… that I was continuing to run my public relations business… that I was receiving wonderful support from my network of friends and professional colleagues… that I have a lot of responsibilities now and need to pace myself… that I had joined a grief support group… that I was deepening my spirituality… and that I was not yet ready to re-think my life's direction, even though I am the only member of the family in New Mexico at present.
Well, as of today, I'm still not ready to re-think the ultimate direction my life may take. However, since I wrote my last article I have taken three trips:

To Portland, Oregon in April, where we lived for 12 years before moving to Albuquerque, to celebrate Passover with some old friends;

To New Jersey in May to attend the funeral of Phil's younger brother, who died unexpectedly only seven months after Phil's passing;

Back to the East Coast this month (July) for a celebration of Phil's life and the internment of his ashes at our daughter's home — and to celebrate my mother's 99th birthday (yes, you read that right: she's now 99!).

   These trips have been very enlightening and revealing: on all of them, I have reacted emotionally (and pretty much on a daily basis) to a variety of "triggers," which indicate to me that I am still grieving very deeply over losing Phil - which is to be expected since we were happily married for 44 years - and I would have enthusiastically signed up for another 44. I also realize that I am very comfortable at present in my own environment, following my daily routines, and would likely feel quite disoriented if I made a major move in the not-too-distant future.

   After all, moving to a new city would mean I would have to rebuild my life from scratch. I believe that I am capable of doing that since I have so many interests and make friends easily, but it is not appropriate to try to do it while still in heavy grief mode.

   While I am waiting to see what develops on the "relocation" front, I have also made a conscious effort to keep my life flowing in a positive direction. In addition keeping happily occupied with my PR business, Desert Sky Communications:

Friends from Germany visited me in March, and I accepted their invitation to vacation with them in Austria in April of 2009.

I attended the two week-end workshops that Janet Hall facilitated in May (see "Latest News"), and it made a big difference in my outlook.

I'm working with a friend, who attended the workshops with me, to incorporate the techniques we learned into our lives on a regular basis.

I am making a more concerted effort to see friends and lead an active social life. I feel I didn't do that enough before Phil passed.

I have been on a leave of absence from one of my two public radio shows, but am making plans to go back on the air in the fall.

I am investigating doing some volunteer work with the New Mexico campaign of my favorite presidential candidate.

After a nine-month hiatus, I expect to resume writing my online "Ask Jane" column (which is posted on Desert Sky's website, www.desertskycommunications.com), and have started recording audio podcast versions of it for the world to eventually enjoy.

   So while it is difficult to be without Phil, and my children, their spouses, and other family members are too far away, I believe that I am building as positive a life as I can and strengthening myself so that if I do choose to move, it will be a blessing and not a trauma.

Home Page | Who We Are | Newsletters | Join Our Mailing List


	"...keeping up with life long friends has always been a passion and important part of my life journey. I like to revisit friends and places from the past—in part to remember where I came from and who I've always been."
	"What would it take for us to be here—NOW—and not slip-slide into the past or barrel our thoughts into the future? If the promise were to live a life that could amaze and delight us to the very end, would we be willing to do what it takes to get there? "
	"I've been consulting for 16 years now, and I am absolutely sure there is no magic wand that I, you, or anyone else can wave to be sure your business grows. If you want your professional life to be successful, to have the sort of work you'd most like to be doing, and the money you'd really like to have, you'll need a systematic, methodical business development effort!"
	"I recently heard the song "Cats in the cradle." Each time I hear it, I am always reminded how important it is *not* to let work, or *anything* get in the way of having time with my children, grandchildren and aging parents."
	"moving to a new city would mean I would have to rebuild my life from scratch. I believe that I am capable of doing that since I have so many interests and make friends easily, but it is not appropriate to try to do it while still in heavy grief mode. "