Winter 2001 "Transitions"

	"Caregiving can be a burden, but it is also a privilege—a transition that you will not want to miss, for it is the ultimate form of love that you can give..."
	" I should not have returned ... in a new status before I had mourned this significant loss adequately. Not paying attention to the need to mourn affected my career in the short run."
	"Sometimes before we take on the dragons, we have to fall apart and weep...And our friends hold us and soothe us and remind us of who we really are"
	"It's wonderful to be contributing to the community, but it's not the same as a solid New Business Development plan. You know you're in trouble here when you find yourself volunteering, working on committees or boards, spending lots of time, and you can't point to any BUSINESS you've obtained as a result of the effort!"
	"When you are at your best - eating right, healthy, nurtured, caring for yourself properly - you have a great wealth to give to your family and others."

Carol Akright is a Certified Financial Planner (CFP), stockbroker and insurance agent specializing in intergenerational planning, retirement funding and wealth building. She is Registered Principal and Branch Manager with Associated Securities Corporation of Los Angeles, a full service brokerage firm. A financial educator as well, she lectures nationwide at both public and corporate seminars on investment strategies, "Dream Funding," and other financial topics. Contact her at 505-897-1970, akrightcr1@aol.com

n a lifetime we deal with many transitions—leaving home to go out on our own, changing jobs or careers, getting married, and eventually losing loved ones to aging and death. I think the most poignant and, in some ways, most fulfilling transition is when we begin to parent our own parents. It is a time when the reins of caring stewardship pass from one generation to the next—from parent to child—when we become as concerned about our parent's well-being as they have always cared about ours.

     I noticed this transition first after my father, now deceased, had a stroke at the age of 66. Although he recovered most of his abilities, he did lose partial use of his left arm and walked with a leg brace and cane. I began to help him cross a street or go into the dining room at family dinners. Instead of him asking what he could do for me, I would ask what I could do for him.

     Such a transition, as our parents begin to depend on us, calls for a new diplomacy of the gentlest kind—letting our parents feel still independent, showing them respect, and yet encouraging them to reach out to us for help when they need it. This transition in family caregiving teaches us many things, not the least of which is that we have enormous capacity to empathize. We also learn patience, tenderness, and a sense of resignation to the inevitable—we realize that the cycle of living dictates that one day we will hold in our arms the parents who cuddled us as babes.

     Experiencing this transition over a twenty-year period, I have examined my own feelings as I have assumed a greater caregiving role with my mother and father. It's a mixture of emotions:

— A sense of loss: I am no longer the child who can lean on them and be taken care of. Even as adults we like to be reminded that someone will always watch out for our safety and happiness.

— A kind of humility: I see that even the strongest of people—and my father certainly was strong of build and character—will one day have to loosen his or her firm grip on control; I know that one day I will have to do the same.

— A feeling of anger: People sometimes lose their dignity as they age, and you hate that to happen to your loved ones.

— A heart-felt pride: I have discovered that I am strong and capable and warm—a grownup daughter, who can, and who loves to, "be there" for my mother and father.

     I also feel such deep and profound love, and gratitude, toward my parents, having long gotten over any petty disgruntlements at differences we had as I was growing up and sprouting my wings. These transition years have been filled with moments of discovery - sitting up late at night talking with Mother about the days of my youth, of her youth, of her courtship with Dad, of the family history I soak up with pleasure, and a longing to remember for years to come. They are filled with joy—when I made my father laugh, and the feeling of honor he gave me when he told me he thought I was a fine person. They are filled with sadness. Each trip home during my father's last two years of life, I thought it might be my last time with him. I would drive out of the driveway with a lump in my throat, aching for the loss I knew would come.

     My father died six years ago, and yet some of my most poignant and wonderful memories are the bonds of love we strengthened during his final decades—the transition years. And, even now, I am aware that I am sharing this similar borrowed time with my mother. None of us escapes the truth that one day our parents will be gone. The transition will be complete—we will have helped them leave us. Today and every day that we share with them are gifts to be treasured—no matter what physical or mental shape they are in. If you are so lucky to be in this twilight transition from childhood to adulthood - parenting your parents - enjoy these moments, capture their goodness, and hold dear the memories you are building for the days when that is all you will have.

     Caregiving can be a burden, but it is also a privilege—a transition that you will not want to miss, for it is the ultimate form of love that you can give to those two individuals who gave you life and who taught you what love is all about. To me, this one transition is so very wonderful—a link to our past, a bridge to our future, and the opportunity to give back all the love you have received from the two most important people in your life.

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Jane Blume, editor/publisher of our Defining Women newsletter, celebrates 35 years of professional work in communications this year. Jane founded Desert Sky Communications in 1989 to help businesses, non-profit organizations and individual entrepreneurs "get the right messages to the right audiences." Desert Sky's services include public relations, marketing and advertising strategies and execution; writing and editing; corporate identity; photography; facilitation; and innovative radio programs. For more information, call Jane at (505) 294-1976, email to  or visit www.desertskycommunications.com.

think we can all agree that life is a continuing series of transitions. Some are so abrupt that they knock us completely off balance. Others are so gradual that we accept what has happened gracefully, or we hardly even notice that the change has occurred.

     I will never forget my first layoff from I job that I loved. Two decades ago, I was public affairs director of a small, non-commercial community radio station in Portland, Oregon - where I was responsible for 20 separate programs, including my own popular weekly talk show. During my fourth year in this position, financial problems arose and a budget shortfall loomed. Our station manager responded - in part - by deciding to consolidate news and public affairs under the control of one staff person, which meant that either the news director or the public affairs director would have to leave.

     Our manager asked both of us to come up with a plan for consolidation. I could not imagine how this proposed new arrangement could be accomplished successfully; however, our then-news director expressed certainty that he could make it work. So the boss and I amicably agreed that I would be the one to go. We also decided that I would continue to host my Thursday-morning talk show on a volunteer basis (nearly all of the programs were hosted by volunteers, anyway).

     My last official day at work was on a Wednesday; the very next day, I came in "as usual" to host my show. But it really wasn't "business as usual." The sudden change to volunteer status left me feeling off-kilter, sad and completely out-of-sorts.

     Much later, I realized that I should not have returned to the station in a new status before I had mourned this significant loss adequately. Not paying attention to the need to mourn affected my career in the short run. I could not muster up the courage to seek another full-time job; instead, I performed freelance work and hosted the radio show for the next four years until a very desirable public relations position at the local opera company fell into my lap. It happened because I had finally recovered sufficiently to put my name forward when I heard that the company needed a substitute for a staff person who would be on vacation at a critical time: the start of the milestone 20^th anniversary season.

     Transitions can be much less traumatic, though: my husband's retirement is a good example. In December of 1999, Phil calculated that if he took a specific action, it would be financially feasible for him to leave a medical administrative job that no longer provided any professional satisfaction for him. The earliest possible retirement date was August 22, 2000, which was eight months away.

     In early January of 2000, Phil took the action he had outlined for himself, and then immediately announced his retirement plans to his managers - thereby giving them the opportunity to begin a search for his successor almost immediately. The next step was to begin clearing out his office, leaving only enough materials and equipment around to allow him to run his department for "the duration." After that, Phil arranged to have our current holdings moved into an appropriate retirement fund. He also gave the hospital's personnel department adequate notice to process his retirement request, applied for Social Security in a timely fashion, and arranged for transfers of other funds once his retirement became official.

     Once all of these tasks were accomplished, there wasn't much left to do - so Phil felt free to spend less time at work. Starting in April, he began taking one day off every week. By June, he was spending at least two days of each week at home. While it's true that he felt some pangs of nostalgia when his department hosted a retirement party on August 21, on August 22 - his last day - he was able to complete the last round of paperwork and walk away without looking back.

     I continue to admire how effectively and efficiently Phil used his time and energy to manage the transition to this new phase of his life.

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Dr. Gail Feldman is a clinical psychologist, an award-winning author, and an enthusiastic public speaker. She writes about many of her own transitions in her latest book, "From Crisis to Creativity: Taking Advantage of Adversity." To order this book, send $16.95 to Gail at her office: 300 San Mateo NE, Ste. 805, Albuquerque, NM 87108, and visit her website at: www.gailfeldman.com

elen Keller said, "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." Some of us, during particular life transitions, would opt for "nothing": a little nothingness... a drop in the adrenaline... a simple diminution of stimuli... or as one of my friends says at times of chaos, "I need to just sit on my bed and suck my thumb." We long for time to emotionally regroup.

     The "daring adventure" which is our life is marked by cycles of change: of loss and reconnection, of dependency and individuation, of deep grief and realizations of renewed growth. Our "hero's journey," as Joseph Campbell taught us, is a process that guides, directs, pushes, pulls, and ultimately transforms us from innocent children to wise (or hopefully mature) adults.

     Psychologically, life transitions call us to transform the energy of the ego from childlike ways of expecting the world to take care of us. We are tasked with facing and killing the dragons of defense, our early playmates, who taught us to deny fright and wrongdoing, rationalize deviousness, repress our negative thoughts, and project our less than lofty impulses onto others.

     Repeatedly facing down the small to the deadliest fears rebirths us as warriors, able to protect and nurture ourselves as we grow strong enough to recognize, adapt, and finally to enjoy completely new terrain.

     Campbell tells us that we always have supernatural aid along the journey, so hang onto that belief in guardian angels. They can appear in any form - in my life they tend to appear as good friends turning up at crucial times with crucial insights, like a Tinkerbell, focusing my attention on how to handle the crisis of the moment. Once when I was in unbearable pain, another more "standard" angel friend, dressed in gossamer white, took me to an icy kingdom that numbed my body into a blessed sleep.

     Angelic friends are folks you can cry in front of. Sometimes before we take on the dragons, we have to fall apart and weep, say we can't possibly do it, we can't bear it, we didn't even think we'd signed up for this particular trip. And our friends hold us and soothe us and remind us of who we really are: wonderfully intelligent women, filled with the goddess, ready to take our rightful place at the very center of our lives. As one woman said, struggling through her divorce, "I'm taking back my power, my money, and my magic."

     The benefit from every life transition, small or large, is a transformation of consciousness, and this happens in three ways: through Awareness, Acceptance, and Action. "Three A's." When we have survived and completed a journey, we have a more expansive awareness of our values and our selves in relation to the world. We come to accept our selves, our shortcomings, our skills and our gifts - as well as our current life situations. And finally, we discover greater courage to take appropriate action towards achieving our goals. Looking back, we realize the daring adventure was well worth the energy and the effort.

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Lenann McGookey Gardner is a Harvard M.B.A. and an independent management consultant specializing in improving companies' sales and marketing results. She works with smaller businesses, as well as large companies, worldwide.  Call Lenann when you want to grow your sales by closing the most desirable, highest profit business. Lenann is a recent winner of the American Marketing Association/New Mexico's "Services Marketer of the Year" award. Visit her on the Web at www.YouCanSell.com.

IS YOUR BUSINESS "IN TRANSITION"?

hat's the most meaningful "transition" you can undertake this year?

     If you own or run a business, I'd submit that the most exciting, transformational thing you can do is to update your sales efforts.

     So many businesses have something worthwhile to offer, but no one who's excellent at SELLING!

     I meet people who say, "I'm not a sales type, but I do the selling here." (Huh?)

- And people who admit, "We've never had any training in sales. But everyone here thoroughly knows our products." (That's good, but it's no substitute for knowing how to structure conversations with prospects to maximize the likelihood that they'll buy from you, and do so sooner rather than later!)

- And people who say, "I hate selling." They're the people with the "Field of Dreams" mindset: "I built it. Now they should come!" (They usually don't.)

- And so many who say, "Well, our selling effort is really just networking. We get out in the community a lot." (It's wonderful to be contributing to the community, but it's not the same as a solid New Business Development plan. You know you're in trouble here when you find yourself volunteering, working on committees or boards, spending lots of time, and you can't point to any BUSINESS you've obtained as a result of the effort!)

     I once was asked to teach a class called "Getting Paid What You're Worth." A lot of people signed up to take the class. They all felt that they were not making the kind of money they deserved to make; most told me they had NEVER done so!

     They were all women, all bright, articulate, feeling people. And not one of them felt she was earning what she was worth. I remember asking one attendee, a consultant who said she loved her work and made a real, positive contribution to the companies she assisted, "How's your car?" And she said, "It needs a tune- up, why?" I said, "Let me ask you another question: How's your toaster?" She said, "It's broken." I said, "How'd I know that?"

     In my view, this lady was so interested in helping out that she forgot to take care of herself in the process. She discounted her services and put in a lot of time for free because she believed that people just couldn't pay her.

     It's fine to do work for free, - I do it all the time. But I call it "volunteering in the community"; I don't call it "business."

     My point? I think the fact that this lady didn't know if her car would get her safely to her client and back home had to influence her ability to be effective for her client, and the fact that she couldn't even make a piece of toast in the morning to fortify her for the day also affected her ability to make a meaningful professional contribution.

     What was needed was a transition: a decision to approach her business life with greater professionalism, and education about how to conduct conversations about money that don't result in discounting prices. Those things can be learned. And when you're financially on sound footing - that is, your car and your toaster are fully functional, along with all the other essentials of your life - your contributions as a volunteer tend to be more meaningful and gratifying, too.

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Janet L. Hall is a Certified Kinesionics Practitioner/Herbalist/Nutritionist and owner of Alternative Wellness Center in Albuquerque. She is a member of the Association of Specialized Kinesiologists of the U.S., and also a member of the American Herbalists Guild. The People Living Through Cancer organization recently awarded Janet a plaque for her caring, dedicated and professional treatment of those she works with who are dealing with cancer. Janet is also the consulting Kinesiologist and Nutritionist for A New Hope, a foundation for eating disorders. Janet can be reached at (505) 294-WELL, or drjhall@qwest.net

here are many transitions throughout life, transitions that bring us into unfamiliar territory. These take us out of our "comfort zones." There are new choices, new paths, decisions to be made - yet all of these things bring us refreshment and growth. Pulling out of our "comfort zones" brings maturity and growth in all areas - physically, mentally emotionally, and spiritually. It is sometimes necessary to make transitions due to specific circumstances.

     It seems that one of the hardest of these transitions for women (especially mothers) is when they have been diagnosed with failing health, an ailment, or a disease. That is when they must transition from caregiver of others (family in particular) to caring for themselves as priority. The interesting thing is that the concept of caring for oneself as a priority should already have been in place.

     Why, you ask? Well, let's just look at just one instance where, if the mother does not care for herself as a priority, the child cannot benefit. What are we told by the airline attendant prior to takeoff? "Should the cabin pressure change and become a problem, oxygen masks will automatically drop down. The adult must first place the mask over her own face, and then assist the child."

     What is a mother's first inclination? To assist the child first, of course! But, with careful thought about this, she comes to realize that without her being in a position to care for the child, the child cannot survive. This is true on a day-to-day basis, as well.

     Cancer is the number one killer among women today, breast cancer taking first place. Studies have indicated that there is a particular personality profile of women with breast cancer: they are, for the most part, caretakers of others. I am a breast cancer survivor and yes, I did fit the profile. What I had to learn was that my own health, diet, emotions and stress levels had to be attended to first - then I also found that I had much more to give my family. Quality versus quantity: how many times have we heard that before?

     When you are at your best - eating right, healthy, nurtured, caring for yourself properly - you have a great wealth to give to your family and others. If you let yourself get run down, overstressed and exhausted, what really do you have to give? And, let's say you keep that up over a period of time taking care of all responsibilities as you feel you should, filling others' needs, giving time to everyone around you… it feels good for a time, but then it catches up with you. The immune system goes down and generally the result is illness.

     It is much like your bank account. If you keep taking out money and do not make deposits… well, the account eventually empties. Caring for yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually are like "deposits" in your "bank." When you make those deposits, you have much to "withdraw" and give to others.

     As a cancer survivor, my message to women today is: take the time to care for yourselves! There is a wonderful world of alternative medicine available for preventive healthcare. Seek out a practitioner who can help you determine what is necessary to keep you healthy. Using the unique system of Kinesionics (a specific muscle-testing evaluation), I am able to do just that - evaluate what the body's deficiencies and imbalances are and then also determine what nutrients, herbs or supplements can correct them. Don't wait: take control of your own health! Make the choice for a transition to a healthier you!

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