Winter 2005 "Believing in Yourself"

ur newsletter will promote principles of personal success for women. These ideas will illustrate success in the working world, in interpersonal relationships, and in developing self esteem and confidence. Each member will bring special knowledge about attaining personal goals and adding a sense of discovery and excitement to women's lives.

	"So many things that have happened to me in my life required belief in myself. I didn't get the nurturing I wanted as a child - my mother died when I was 2 and my Father was gone a lot. I was raised by relatives and housekeepers, most of whom just wanted my brother and me to be quiet and stay clean."
	"There is no perfect person on this earth. We all re-evaluate ourselves from time to time, and for good reason - it keeps us in check. However, doubt in oneself is a very dangerous thing. Once doubt sets in - you can easily slide into a negative downward spiral. Climbing out can be difficult."
	"There are people who somehow have found the inner strength to resist the negativity and plow ahead to lead fulfilling lives. I myself have certainly done that. And yet, it has been my experience that if we don't face and try to resolve the issues that lurk within, they will continue to affect us in a negative way."
	"We come into the world alone, we die alone, and all during life there are hundreds of thousands of moments when we are alone with our own thoughts, feelings, discouragement and despair, and it is in that very aloneness that we get to sit with ourselves, know ourselves, have talks with ourselves, and grow into stronger people. "
	"Think about a person you admire greatly. What are his or her attributes? Are they funny, resourceful, supportive, compassionate? Which of these traits do you admire most? Now, think about other people you admire. These can be real or fictional, male or female, even animals or plants if you want to stretch your imagination."

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Lenann McGookey Gardner is a Harvard M.B.A. and independent management consultant specializing in improving companies' sales and marketing results. She works with smaller businesses, as well as large companies, worldwide, and she also coaches individuals to higher levels of professional accomplishment and satisfaction.  Call Lenann at 505.828.1788 when you want to grow your sales by closing the most desirable, highest profit business. Lenann is a winner of the American Marketing Association/New Mexico's Professional Services "Marketer of the Year" award, and is profiled in the 2005 edition of Who's Who in America. Visit her on the Web at www.YouCanSell.com.

What Will it Take for You to Believe in Yourself?

e're all the product of our experiences.

     Right?

     Whatever has happened to you has, inevitably, shaped your character. You can't escape your past. Or your gene pool.

     Right?

     So if you've never been loved, never been encouraged, never been assured that you can meet any challenge, climb every mountain, ford every stream ... you can't. And you won't.

     Right?

     As a business executive for many years prior to starting my consulting business, and now, having consulted with company after company for a period of 13 years, I can say this: WRONG.

     I've seen person after person succeed - and sometimes succeed big - despite lacking a nurturing family, a loving spouse, kids that turned out well, and/or a fat wallet.

     And I've seen greatly loved, much-indulged, highly talented people, especially female people, fail.

     The difference appears to be three things: attitude, motivation, and belief in oneself.

     Attitude and motivation are, of course, choices. If you procrastinate, or if you don't like people, or if you're unwilling to get moving, you're set up to fail in many things. But you can change your mind in a heartbeat, and improve your attitude and your motivation (assuming you're not clinically depressed) just by choosing to, and having the self-discipline to stick with your choice.

     The harder thing is to start believing in yourself, if you haven't before.

     In my experience, many people believe in themselves up to a point. They believe they can handle the entry-level job, the first promotion, perhaps the promotion after that. But somewhere along the way they stop believing that they can handle a high-level leadership role. The just don't believe in themselves enough to go for the Directorship, the VP slot, the CEO role.

     The same phenomenon shows up in personal lives, too. There are folks who believe they can handle a spouse, just not a great spouse. They can handle nurturing a friendship - just not a friendship with someone who's amazing, someone who's making things happen, someone who will challenge them. They can handle having a good life, but not a great one.

     I think a lot of women are perfectionists, and that's what gets in their way!

     Are you interested in doing things right? Does that interest persist to the point that, when there's limited time available, you are unable to move on from things that aren't perfect, to do other things that must be done?

     If that's you, why do you insist on a higher quality product than there is time available to produce one?

     Doesn't "quality" mean the best you can do, given the constraints (like time or money)?

     If you're hung up on doing the best you can do in every situation, I'll bet you're not even getting to enough important things to have the impact you might otherwise have, if you could just let go.

     What's behind not being able to let go? For many of us, it's the desire to be a "good girl" - to never have the fickle finger of accusation pointed at us, with the owner of that finger saying, "YOU didn't do that right. YOU didn't do that well enough. YOU have goofed up!"

     Here's a news flash: If you can't handle someone, anyone, being displeased with you or your work, you're going to die young!

     If you're in the game ... if you're in the arena of life and taking your shot ... you are ALWAYS going to displease someone. Leaders understand that, and work to please themselves, as well as most of the people they serve. And when criticism comes up, they look for the grain of truth in it, appreciate the criticizer for helping them to learn more about how their efforts are perceived by others, and move on.

     That takes belief in oneself.

     If you're starting from a sincere desire to be of help, to make your best contribution for the betterment of all; and if you have taken the time to educate yourself, and to seriously consider other points of view; if you're not just self-serving, but truly care; then who better than you should assume a leadership role?

     Think about many of the leaders you have known. Were any of them without flaws? People don't seek flawless leaders; they seek those who are sincerely interested in doing the right thing, and are willing to lead.

     If the biggest obstacle to your success is a weak ability to believe in yourself, you are setting yourself up to make a much smaller contribution in life than you are capable of making.

     So many things that have happened to me in my life required belief in myself. I didn't get the nurturing I wanted as a child - my mother died when I was 2 and my Father was gone a lot. I was raised by relatives and housekeepers, most of whom just wanted my brother and me to be quiet and stay clean. My Father married a person who often told me I was worthless. He forbade me to see my Aunt, who truly did love me, for a period of 11 years while I was growing up. At 21 I left my home state of Ohio, and I've never been back for more than a visit.

     No one else in my family left Ohio, and I have often been alone. I've been married three times - experiencing two divorces didn't encourage me; in fact I was raised to believe that divorced people are bad people. I was fired from a job in a company where I had once been considered the "rising star". And as a consultant I learn, almost every day, that there are people I was sure I could help who have decided not to work with me.

     Consulting as a small business owner (that is, without a large cadre of other consultants with whom to commiserate) is lonely work. When I visit clients they have the mentality of, "How much am I paying her? What has she produced for me in the last minute-and-a-half?" Then there's lots of travel - alone - meaning that I'm spending time away from my family.

     If I hadn't found a way to believe in myself, I think I would be dead - or, probably worse yet, in a dead-end job - by now. But I have found that way. I've done it by looking back at my history, and at all I've been through. I've looked at what my motivation was along the way, and I've tried to organize my life around some strong principles (Love thy neighbor as thyself; the Ten Commandments; if I do X, will I like the person I see in the mirror?). I work hard, every day, to become a better person. And I know that, in many situations, there's no reason why I shouldn't take on a given responsibility - either I'm confident that, in comparison to the other folks I know, I can do at least as good a job, or I don't get involved.

     If you're not stepping up - if you're not challenged by your life and your work - what do you require? Get clear on what that is, and put yourself on course to get those things, ideally from within you. Perhaps a professional coach or therapist you already know and trust can help. It's time. You're old enough. What will it take for you to believe in yourself and create the life you truly want?

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Janet L. Hall, owner of Alternative Wellness Center in Albuquerque, is a Certified Kinesiologist, Certified Herbalist and Emotional Facilitator. Her success and reputation for helping others have brought her clients worldwide. She is a consulting Kinesiologist and nutritional counselor for various organizations; a facilitator for Life Change Integrations; a health and well-being author for various websites and magazines; and teaches and facilitates kinesiology, herbal and emotional courses. A member of Energy Kinesiologists of the U.S. and the American Herbalists Guild, she has also appeared on public stations KNME-TV/Channel 5 and KUNM Radio, 89.9-FM. If you wish to comment on this article, or if you would like a life empowerment & change integration to increase the enjoyment of your journey, contact Janet at (505) 294-WELL (9355), or e-mail her at .

elief in oneself is so very important! It allows you to create the life you really want and deserve.

     People who believe in themselves are spiritual beings, have clarity in their own life presence and purpose, and create every part of their lives. They choose careers that are fulfilling, partners who respect them, the friends who support them, lifestyles that suit and please their authentic selves, and use their self-time for creativity and things that fill them up and continue to renew them. They have an obvious and felt responsiveness to their lives. Their lives flow, and the manifestations of their inner life purpose are apparent to all.

     Those who believe in themselves have deep and meaningful relationships with themselves and with others. They strive to be the essence of love and find life beautiful, meaningful and harmonious.

     As I thought about this subject, I acknowledged, (yes, once again, from past experience!) that belief in oneself is definitely something that can be lost. It is also something many, many people are trying desperately to regain, and it takes a significant amount of work to do it. Do you know how often I hear clients in my practice talk about having lost their belief in themselves? It is an epidemic today! This is really, a great and necessary subject to discuss.

     There is no perfect person on this earth. We all re-evaluate ourselves from time to time, and for good reason - it keeps us in check. However, doubt in oneself is a very dangerous thing. Once doubt sets in - you can easily slide into a negative downward spiral. Climbing out can be difficult.

     If you never really developed belief in yourself as you matured into an adult, you most likely will need some aid in getting it established. Counseling, integrations and various emotional therapies are available to assist in this.

     Once you have established belief in yourself, keeping that belief strong is imperative! Here's my recipe for "belief-in-yourself-success":

• Do not do anything that is against your integrity to your self: Anytime that we act in a way that does not hold to our personal integrity, it is easy to lose belief in ourselves. We are disappointed in the fact that we weren't true to ourselves.
   

• Really consider the whole picture in your decision making process: Do not make poor choices. Once we begin to make poor choices for ourselves, the belief that we can handle ourselves well in the world and are in control of our lives begins to diminish. The more mistakes we make, the more we begin to beat ourselves up and lose our self-esteem.
   

• Stay clear of abusive relationships: This is the fastest way to lose believe in oneself! In an insidiously subtle way, your self-esteem and identity can be quickly torn away from you. Self-doubt sets in and stays. Your boundaries will be continually overstepped and eventually they will no longer exist.
   

• Stand up for and assert yourself: The more that we do not have the respect and dignity for ourselves needed to assert our rights and boundaries, the harder it is to keep belief in ourselves. Stand up for and assert yourself strongly in all areas.
   

• Always prepare well for important events such as a test, a speech, a meeting or presentation: By not preparing well, we might take the chance of performing poorly, and then we begin to lose faith in our abilities, which damages our belief in ourselves.
   

• Be honest with yourself and others: Dishonesty truly erodes our belief in ourselves. When we are no longer credible even to ourselves, we question our place in the world, and cannot hold ourselves in high esteem.
   

• Recognize and validate yourself for your growth & accomplishments: You begin to build a positive track record for yourself to reflect on, further empowering yourself.
   

• Surround yourself with others who believe in themselves as well: This ensures that your positive thinking patterns remain just that... positive! Those who highly esteem themselves will help you to remain in high esteem.
   

• Contribute to the world and the betterment of it: If you keep contributing your gifts and talents, the wonderful, positive, feelings this produces will give you great reasons to believe in who you are.
   

• Do not compromise your morals or values: Compromising on such important issues make us lose self-trust. When we don't trust in ourselves, it creates a sense that there is nothing in life that is trustworthy.
   

• Learn self-discipline to accomplish what you set out to achieve: Seeing that you reach your goals and accomplishments can aid in self-belief; however what is more important is the fact that you know you have the ability to follow through on things.
   

• Be flexible and adaptable: Remember, life is all about growth and change. As you grow, your path will always be subject to change. Change is welcome to those who believe in themselves. They make adjustments with ease.
   

• Be patient: Don't rush yourself. The right timing and placement of things in your life are imperative. A doorway that opens to you can create a whole new level of awareness and possibility, but at the right time, when you are ready for it.

     A positive belief in yourself is the best thing you could possibly own - protect it!

     It really is just that simple. You have everything you'll ever need.... if you'll just believe in yourself!

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hen our oldest child entered first grade I became a volunteer in her unusual, mixed-grade public school classroom, which was populated by both middle- and low-income students. The teacher assigned me to be a reading tutor for a six-year-old girl from a low-income family. I found it challenging to work with her because she was easily discouraged, and took to heart any negative comments she heard from other children in the room. It was then I came to realize how early a child's self-esteem could be damaged.

     I have also discovered that even people who come from reasonably healthy families can and will have issues with which they struggle. Even though Phil and I were (and still are) considered very warm, loving, supportive and attentive parents who tried to be good role models for our own children (now in their thirties), we discovered in recent years that they are dealing with some long-standing issues that we may have inadvertently triggered despite our best intentions.

     And both of us, their parents, have grappled with a variety of issues, too.

     There are people who somehow have found the inner strength to resist the negativity and plow ahead to lead fulfilling lives. I myself have certainly done that. And yet, it has been my experience that if we don't face and try to resolve the issues that lurk within, they will continue to affect us in a negative way. We may not recognize how these issues are manifesting themselves: it can be in the form of damaged relationships, major or minor health problems, emotional difficulties, spiritual emptiness, troubled or unproductive professional lives, financial woes, addictions, criminal behaviors, or a combination thereof.

     No matter how these issues surface, the symptoms and the underlying causes need to be dealt with - and of course, they can be.

     I have learned from people who have helped me (and my Defining Women colleague, Janet Hall, is one of them) some very surprising things about underlying causes: namely, that every person (and thing) on this planet has an energy field; and that we carry within our own energy fields both positive and negative emotions from our ancestors and from the circumstances surrounding the time our parents conceived us. Furthermore, any issue we are dealing with - including those involving self-esteem or self-love - can have been triggered at a very specific point in our lives.

     We might not immediately or consciously be aware of what that point was, but it is something that we can determine, and it helps us to understand the root causes of our problems.

     For example, while dealing with my own self-esteem issues, I was asked about the first time I ever remembered feeling insecure. I immediately flashed back to the age of three when my fraternal- twin sister and brother were born - six weeks ahead of their due date. Virtually every child feels jealous of or insecure about a new sibling in the family. My feelings were compounded by the fact that my sister was brought home without my brother in an atmosphere of worry and tension; he had to remain behind in the hospital to gain enough weight to come home safely.

     It didn't take me too long to accept my twin siblings, but self-esteem issues have been there through the years. They have affected how I have handled my relationships with family members, and setbacks or advances in my professional life. In 2001 I wrote in an article for this newsletter (the theme was "Transitions") that I was so devastated by the first lay-off I ever experienced that I freelanced for the next four years. I have been buoyed and immensely gratified by the fact that my public relations business has - from Day One - been based on referrals (which come from our track record of success), but then demoralized when I lost clients (ignoring the fact that this type of attrition is normal!).

     "Knowledge is definitely power," though: exploring and understanding my self-esteem issues has helped me become stronger and more confident. My business is enjoying a large growth spurt, and I am now ready - as never before - to nurture that growth.

     The bottom line is that the issues that prevent us from achieving our full potential in life do not have to remain intractable. There are tools and people available to help us make some important discoveries about ourselves, and we should all take advantage of them. We may not like what we learn at first, but if we can "clear away the brambles" on the path to personal and professional growth, the eventual rewards will be considerable.

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Carol Akright, Certified Financial Planner and Certified Kinesionics Practitioner, is an investment manager, financial strategist, and pioneer in applying kinesiology to help people identify and fund their life dreams. A financial advisor for twenty years, she is author of FUNDING YOUR DREAMS GENERATION TO GENERATION (Advisor Press, 2004) and of numerous financial articles. Creator of the national PBS series, FUNDING YOUR DREAMS, she is a frequent guest on radio and TV. Ms. Akright is the founder of TOTAL FINANCIAL HEALTH, a wholistic program in dreamfunding and wealth creation. She can be reached at Associated Securities Corp., (505) 897-1970.

remember once reading that the only important role of a parent, once you've taken care of providing food, shelter, and love for your children, is to raise them with high self-esteem. Armed with that, they can do anything in life they want. I agree with that statement, but look how many of us have chinks of armor in our self-esteem, in our belief in ourselves.

     If you dig down under low self-esteem, or find yourself not believing that you can do, have, or be the things and person you aspire to, what you find is fear: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of rejection, fear of loss of love, fear of not being "enough." Erica Jong once wrote in her book, FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY, that successful people feel fear just like unsuccessful people do, but they move past it and go for their goals anyway. Something inside allows them to make a leap of faith and believe in themselves, to - as Nike ads urge us - "just do it"!

     When I look closely at the underlying fear beneath my list of fears above, it is one fear - the fear of being alone. The problem here is, we ARE alone. We come into the world alone, we die alone, and all during life there are hundreds of thousands of moments when we are alone with our own thoughts, feelings, discouragement and despair, and it is in that very aloneness that we get to sit with ourselves, know ourselves, have talks with ourselves, and grow into stronger people.

     Haven't you ever had a task so daunting because it was so much bigger than you'd ever done before, or called on you to test your skills in new ways, that you thought, "No way: I cannot do this." Still, necessity called, and not showing up for the task at all was going to be worse than trying and failing. So, you showed up, and, lo and behold, you succeeded at the task - you found out you were better or stronger or more talented than you thought.

     Do you remember the elation you felt at accomplishing something you'd never thought possible before? Our fear challenges us to become more of what we can be. And even if we are not able to do what we attempt, or it does not work out very well, don't you learn something more about who you are, what you need to improve on, and grow anyway? I found I do, and I'm always glad that I pushed past my fear and tested myself.

     All my life I've looked down on my life and the world from a perspective above, gazing at the big picture. I like to see the context of my small part in the universe - to see where I fit in. Doing that has allowed me to see that my dreams are not so outlandish after all, when I see what other  human beings throughout history have accomplished. I also see that many others share my fears, yet they still move through their days with conviction and achieve incredible things.

     I see that when I've stretched, I've been better off, and when I've failed - life was not over - in fact, I learned where my weaknesses are, and I now play to my strengths - that's true in work, in relationships, and in the relationship I have with myself. Every time that I took a leap of faith in myself, I came out ahead - especially ahead in believing I can do more, have more, and be more. In fact, it doesn't make sense to me to live any other way - I want always to be stretching, pushing the edge of the envelope, and seeing how I have to live my life to become more of who I can be.

     I remember a college boyfriend wrote me a poem about standing on the globe, letting the universal winds blow all around, and pushing your head into the wind to keep going, exploring, and discovering our world - our outer world and our inner world. It's the very resistance of those winds (call them setbacks, if you will, or difficulties of any kind) that help shape your presence on the planet - that give you feedback about how you're doing.

     And he ended the poem about what life might be like if you didn't let the winds buffet you around and push at you. It was about a life half-lived, a life where we "play it safe." He wrote, "And is there any despair that quite compares to mediocrity?" I was twenty-one years of age at the time, and that one line of poetry has been in the top of my mind every day since. I don't want to live a mediocre life - I want to live an extraordinary life, one that's exciting, challenging, revealing, beautifully unfolding, peeling back the layers of possibility within myself. Thank you, Craig Busey, for challenging me to believe in myself and envision a better me living an outstanding, interesting, life.

     Another thing to keep in mind is how not believing in yourself affects your relationship with others. If you're not "high" on you, why should they be? By not holding yourself in high regard, it undercuts the high regard others might have for you. Now these are the people who like you and want you to succeed! Then there are those who are jealous of you or would prefer to tear you down. If you don't believe in yourself, you give them good fodder to do the same thing. You sabotage yourself by letting them see that you don't think much of you!

     Finally, I'd like to again mention fear of success. This to me is the greatest detriment to a life well lived. We are capable of so much - so much that we can do, have, or be for ourselves and for our own enjoyment, but perhaps more importantly, what we can do, have, or be that will help others. I believe that we're here on this earth to do more than just enjoy the journey on some solitary path. I believe we're here to interact with others in a mutually beneficial way and to make a contribution, to make a positive difference in the lives of others.

     It's your job to figure out what your passions are, which are the key to your contribution. Once you know what that is, your journey is to move steadily down that path of contribution. It's why you're here. If you believe in your passions, and in your purpose, why wouldn't you believe in yourself? Why wouldn't you know that you've been given all that you need to do that job, to fulfill your purpose and that the best thing you can do for yourself and the world is to get out of your own way, to pull down your own obstacles, the biggest of which could be your lack of belief in yourself? Frankly, your presence here is not all about you, it's about the world and your important role here. If you can't get behind yourself, get behind your purpose - stretch for that, grow for that, and push through your fears for that!

     I just came back from a fabulous conference in Hawaii - it was about Life Planning, which is the newest approach to financial planning, and in my opinion the only way to work with people and their money, which is what I do for my purpose - to help others "FUND YOUR DREAMS." The concepts of life planning are based on George Kinder's seminal book, THE SEVEN STAGES OF MONEY MATURITY, and they help you discover your life purpose, which is the basis, I think, of believing in yourself. You will believe in yourself, if you know why you're here and what you must do to make your contribution.

     So, to get you started on optimum levels of self-esteem and belief in yourself, why not ask yourself the three questions that George offers as the basis for all life planning:

     Question # 1: If you had all the money in the world that you would ever need or want, what would you do with your life?

 -  How would you use the money to live the life you dream of living?

 -  What would you change or begin now?

     Question # 2: You find out you have only ten years left to live. You'll be perfectly healthy for all ten years, and the last day you'll drop stone dead.

 -  What will you do during your remaining ten years? (You don't have all the money I referenced in Question #1, just your current circumstances.)

     Question # 3: You find out you will die tomorrow.

 -  What didn't you do?

 -  What important things/people are missing in your life?

 -  Who did you not become?

 -  What do you regret?

     I urge you to take these questions seriously and write down your answers. Now look at the theme of what is in all three. Somewhere in these answers are what George calls "your heart's core"  -  what you really care about. And in your heart's core is your life purpose. Discover it, believe in it, and believe in yourself. Then you can craft a life, and a financial plan around that core to fund your life's dreams.

     Good luck!

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Shelby Smith-Sanclare, Ph.D. is a Business and Personal Coach who works with individuals and organizations to break preconceived patterns and create new and innovative ways to blaze ahead in their strategic thinking, decision making, and action taking. She brings experience and training in the fields of research, training, strategic planning, environmental design, organizational management, and business consulting. Shelby is a CoachU graduate and a member of the International Coach Federation. She has lived abroad working with both locals and expatriates in making business and personal life choices. Contact her at (505) 237-2005, or email her at .

he first two times I wrote this article, I began with the question, "why?" Unhappy with the results, I wondered what was making me uncomfortable about the finished articles. I realized it was the "why" question. "Why" is a great question when I want to clarify something; however it's not when I want to move myself or my clients toward answers, actions, or solutions.

     Why? I think it's because "why" questions allow us to give all our reasons and excuses for not accomplishing something. Also, it is a good question for shining a light on past actions and current motivations, but, it just sits there contemplatively.

     There is nothing in the "why" question that moves us forward. So after thinking more about it, I realized that I know most of the answers to the "whys" about not believing in myself both from the outside [cues from society] and the inside [judgments of self-experience] standpoints. What was truly important was the "who-when-what-how" questions that I'd been ignoring completely.

     From our perceptions and experiences we form our beliefs about ourselves and other people. Not believing in ourselves, or more accurately, our disbeliefs and negative beliefs, usually come from having formed attitudes and actions based on these negatives. I'd like to put forth two concepts as background for asking the "who-when-what-how" questions.

• "Someone close to you usually knows you better than you do yourself."
   

• "What we find distasteful or beautiful in someone else is more a mirror of ourselves than the reality of the other person."

     The first statement is about our blind spots and the second refers to the judgments we make, and how we discover them through reflection.

     Think about a person you admire greatly. What are his or her attributes? Are they funny, resourceful, supportive, compassionate? Which of these traits do you admire most? Now, think about other people you admire. These can be real or fictional, male or female, even animals or plants if you want to stretch your imagination. My list included among others Sheena Queen of the Jungle, Georgia O'Keeffe, my cat, and my grandfather. Choose as few or many as you like.

     After you've listed all the traits, do you notice that some traits are common to several of these people? For starters, select the top ten or so attributes that stand out. What we can identify in others must reside in ourselves, or else we couldn't recognize it. Possibly it goes unacknowledged or undeveloped, but it is there.

     Additionally, we might begin to recognize that others may have used these same descriptors for us, and in our unbelieving way we tossed them aside. These are our blind spots and the traits that others see in us that we tend not to see in ourselves or don't believe we can own.

     Something that keeps us from believing in ourselves is the focus on what is "wrong" with us rather than what is "right." We spend a great deal of time trying to avoid or overcome the negatives that we are sure are our "true" selves. So, we can use this same exercise to identify hidden traits that "push our buttons" -  the so-called negative traits that make us feel irritated with ourselves and others. Most often, the "negative" traits reveal what psychologists call the "shadow self": those things we may have labeled "bad "and wish not to acknowledge or try to hide. They may be so deeply buried that our only view is through our reactions to others.

     Sometimes our buttons are pushed because we envy or resent a quality in someone we don't believe we merit ourselves. Or, it may just be an extreme of a trait. In either case, it gives us a chance to re-examine an irritating trait and say, "Okay, if that is the extreme in one direction, what is it the opposite of?" Voilà! The positive trait. For example, "stubborn's" opposite is "persistence," a quite useful trait for completing difficult projects or accomplishing goals or fulfilling desires that have many obstacles or naysayers blocking the path. If we have labeled a trait negative out of envy or resentment, what are its positive characteristics?

     I belong to a school of thought that believes that both what we focus on and what we resist will persist and strengthen in our lives. The way to develop positive belief in ourselves is to demonstrate positive beliefs daily in many small ways. These consistent, small actions grow our belief. By focusing on the positive beliefs we also diminish the effects of the undesirable beliefs because they are no longer our focus. Soon, we can claim with confidence that we in fact DO believe in ourselves.

     Ask yourself the following questions:

• What beliefs do I want to hold about myself?
   

• What traits do I want to believe are present in me?
   

• When are they present? When do I notice them in others or exhibit them in my daily life and activities?
   

• How can I focus my activities and make choices that better develop and strengthen these traits?
   

• What one action can I take right now that acknowledges these traits in me?
   

• What small consistent action can I practice each day to grow my belief in myself?
   

• Who are the people in my life that believe in me, and how do they support me in that belief?

     Jumping full-blown into a belief in oneself doesn’t happen overnight; it develops from our actions and from those who support us in our beliefs about our Best Selves.

     Set an intention today to identify what you want to believe in for yourself and seek those who will support you on your journey. You deserve that, because after all, that was who you are meant to be. Believe it!

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